


figure it out

by Tobiko



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Murder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 00:41:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17294390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tobiko/pseuds/Tobiko
Summary: Julia Wicker has been missing for four months. Suddenly she shows up at a mall, stealing food and attacking security guards until her running rampant ends with a man dead on the mall floor. Julia is sent to Brakebills, a therapeutic inpatient facility, when the dead man is revealed to be the man who kidnapped her. She is expected to heal and return to herself, but is that possible? With the help of some new friends and one grumpy, frizzy haired roommate, it just might be.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> The music video Figure It Out by Royal Blood is the inspiration of this fic but I do NOT own it in any way.
> 
> Figure It Out was:
> 
> Produced by Royal Blood & Tom Dalgety  
> Recoded and mixed by Tom Dalgety
> 
> Director - Ninian Doff  
> Producer - Sarah Park  
> Production company - Pulse Films

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please if you can watch the music video first! If it's not working here is a link.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhgVu2lsi_k

Quentin Coldwater had not slept well in four months, three days, seventeen hours.

The result was a blurring of his vision, a wobble in his step. The greyness though, that was something else entirely.

His entire world had dimmed when Julia went missing.

His dad didn’t know how to help. All his classmates avoided him now. They didn’t know what to say to him and all had varying opinions on what had happened to Julia Wicker. He knew them all by heart: she’d run off after getting into drugs, she’d been scooped up by the FBI because she was a genius, she’d been kidnapped for sex trafficking. Quentin had punched a boy in the face until he had to be pulled off by school security when he had heard the boy saying to his friends that Julia was dead and they’d find her body any day now.

That wasn’t true. She was alive. He would _know_ if she wasn’t alive.

Until then his world would have to be grey.

Quentin was reading The Secret Sea in his pajamas in the middle of a Saturday afternoon when there was a knock on his door. He slouched to the front hallway, twenty bucks clutched in his hand. It was kind of early for his pizza to arrive, he’d only placed the order fifteen minutes ago, but whatever. His late lunch/early dinner arriving a few minutes before expected made it easier for him to hide the evidence from his father when he got back from work.

When he opened the door he dropped the bill.

Julia stood at his doorstep. Blonde, barefoot, dried blood on her front, a black eye, a split lip, and a vacant, dark look in her eyes. All things that were wrong, but did not make her any less Julia. 

“Q,” she said, her voice a rasp.

“Jules,” he half-sobbed, throwing his arms around her, heedless of the blood. She went rigid for an instant before sagging into him, nearly toppling them both off their feet. He held her up as she folded her arms around him and buried her face in the crook of his neck.

“It’s you, oh god, Julia,” Quentin sobbed into her hair.

Julia said nothing but he could hear her breathing, practically feel the rabbit-fast beat of her heart against his.

They stood there for a minute before Quentin had the presence of mind to pull her in the house and shut the door behind them. He had so many questions, so much to say, but the look on Julia’s eyes stopped him. She wasn’t all there, and that was more jarring than the blood or the bruises (though those filled him with horror). Julia was _always_ all there, sharp and fast and sure. It was like something had been scooped out of her brain, hollowed it out enough that she could hide inside rather than be pushed to the surface by all the ideas and knowledge and _Julia_ of her.

“I missed you, Q,” she said.

“You have no idea, I… Julia, you were-”

“I need to change. And a shower?”

“Yes, of course, yeah, come on you know where the bathroom is.” Even as he said this he took her hand and pulled her up the stairs with him. She followed, complaint, all the way to the upstairs bathroom. 

“I’ll get you some clothes,” Quentin said.

Julia nodded. She started to enter the bathroom but Quentin’s grip tightened on her hand without meaning to.

She looked down at his hand, quizzical, a small smile trying to break through. “You want to come in with me?”

“Um, no I-“ Quentin hurriedly let go. “I just… you- I haven’t seen you and- and you’re-“

“… I won’t disappear down the drain,” she said softly, eyes staring somewhere just to his left. “Promise.”

Quentin nodded. She closed the door behind her and Quentin’s stomach threatened to heave. He hated not being able to see her, not knowing if she was okay even though she was just in the bathroom, in his home, safe… 

Quentin gathered up a pair of his sweats, boxers, a Star Trek t-shirt and Old Navy sweatshirt. He took so long to pick just the right combination of clothing (and talk himself through a panic attack) that when he finally went to lay them down in front of the bathroom door it suddenly opened and Julia, clad only in a towel, stared down at him.

He flung himself back, a hand over his eyes. “I’m so sorry!” 

A dry chuckle greeted him. “Chill, Q. This is the most privacy I’ve gotten in ages.”

Quentin peeked through his fingers and couldn’t stop the heartbreak from showing on his face.

 Julia looked down at the floor. “…Sorry.”

“No, um… I just- I’ll give you some…”

“Mhmm.”

Quentin scurried back to his room. He glanced back just long enough to note the bruises on her legs.

Quentin managed to vomit out his window.

Julia eventually knocked on his door. She didn’t comment on the smell of bile and mint on his lips as she joined him sitting on his bed. 

“I did something, Q,” she said, eyes downcast. “And I’m afraid… I think I might be in real trouble.”

“Whatever it is, if it helped you- if you… if you escaped somehow, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care.”

Julia looked up at him. She smiled. “Someone might. I stabbed a person in the Livingston Mall today.”

Quentin’s eyes widened. “You…”

“Yeah. He’s dead, pretty sure.”

“…was it him? The guy who-”

“Yeah.”

“…good.”

Julia’s smile was a little more forced. “Good, huh?”

“Yes. If you hadn’t, I’d have done it,” he said. There was no Quentin stammer in his voice. 

Julia stared at Quentin and bit her lip.

She threw her arms around Quentin, her wet hair slapping his face.

“I’m scared,” Julia whispered. Her voice had more emotion in it than it had since he’d seen her on the doorstep.

“I’ll protect you. I won’t let anything bad happen, Julia. I _promise_.”

. 

The cops showed up three hours later and Quentin barred the front door, hands crossed over his chest. “You can’t come in without a warrant.” 

“Kid, we just want to get the story straight. She’s been missing four months, we can make some guesses but she stabbed someone to _death_ in a mall. We just need to ask her some questions so we can help her out. 

Quentin shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You can come back with a warrant.”

“This is obstruction, Coldwater,” a cop snapped. “You’ve been coming down to our station practically every day since she went missing, we’ve been trying to help.”

“Warrant.”

“If we come back and she’s here, you’re going to be in a lot of trouble,” the other cop said, jabbing his finger at Quentin’s chest. Quentin didn’t budge.

“Q.”

Quentin whipped around and ran to the stairs. Julia was standing at the middle of the staircase, her steely gaze on the cops. “Julia! Go back up to my room. What are you doing?”

“I’m not going to let you get in trouble for me.”

“I promised,” Quentin said, voice breaking.

Julia leaned down from where she stood above him on the stairs and kissed his cheek. “I know. It’ll be okay.” 

Julia stepped around Quentin and walked toward the cops. Without hesitation Quentin reached out and grabbed her hand. She looked back at him and gave him a small smile.

“Hi,” Julia Wicker said to the police at Quentin’s doorstep. “I think you’ve been looking for me.”

Quentin refused to let her hand go.


	2. Chapter 1

It had taken a little over twenty-four hours to leave the hospital that first night. Quentin hadn’t left Julia’s side until he was forced to and then he had waited for her, even as his father tried to convince him to go home and her own family arrived. 

It was nice, to feel so loved.

Her mother certainly didn’t make her feel that way, even though she’d gotten Julia the best lawyer money could buy, as well as calling three of her judge friends to get their help.

It didn’t matter. Julia was prepared to go to jail for killing Reynard. She’d made peace with it.

She’d gotten a full physical, a rape kit, and a ton of pictures taken of her as evidence. It had been unpleasant but she had gone through more unpleasant things in the last four months and she was able to deal.

When they’d asked to do the rape kit they’d said, “We ask when we suspect abuse.”

Julia had snorted. “I should _hope_ you suspect abuse.”

The nurse had looked a bit shocked at her snark and she’d felt bad. Would Julia-From-Before have said that?

While she sat waiting in an interview room (different than an interrogation room, more comfortable), they found Reynard’s full name, his house, his basement. Evidence. They told her this and she listened with cotton ears and only mild interest.

She’d been placed under house arrest until some of the finer details were figured out. Most people were empathetic, but a few of the security guards from the mall had gone home with bruised pride and hadn’t been quite so quick to drop their grievances. It was funny to have her attacks on the rent-a-cops the sticking points for possible charges when she could only remember that part in snapshots. In the grand scheme of things they had felt so unimportant and yet to them she was a little menace.

Finally a judge had ruled that she be sent to an inpatient program that dealt with trauma and violent crimes to make sure she could safely reintegrate into society and not stab anyone else.

Which is how Julia found herself entering Brakebills, a facility made specifically for potential violent threats that the courts deemed able to rehabilitate. It was an all girls program she had been enrolled in, a corner of the Brakebills campus that was called the Key and Bee Cottage, and while she hadn’t given much thought to the fact that she might be triggered by men and boys she was pretty relieved. Besides the male cops and nurses the only male she’d seen was Quentin, and Quentin was safe. He was her person.

Her mom and sister had dropped her off at Brakebills. Quentin had asked to come as well and her mom had coldly declined. He was planning to go anyway but Julia had convinced him to leave it. She didn’t want to burn bridges at the facility with an uninvited guest on her first day and she absolutely wanted him to be able to visit any chance he was _allowed_.

Julia had been free for 4 days upon entering Brakebills. She frequently forgot this fact and expected Reynard to show up any second and pop the illusioned bubble. The fact that she had gone to locked in Reynard’s basement to locked in her house to locked in Brakebills was not helping the feeling of being in a cage.

It wasn’t _exactly_ the fact that she was being locked up for a while again. It wasn’t the strangers in the facility. It wasn’t the fact that she wouldn’t get to see Quentin every day (though that was extremely upsetting in itself).

It was the fact that when she looked in the mirror, she was a stranger.

Reynard had dyed and cut her hair during her captivity. Her roots were beginning to show but she still had hair she didn’t recognize. Her eyes had shadows under them, she was thinner than she had been.

There were monsters in her eyes. Or, rather, one monster, staring back at her.

She tucked her hair under a hat to hide the evidence that she wasn’t herself anymore.

Julia gave her mother a hug and Mackenzie a more heartfelt hug as they left. The staff woman who came to greet her, a woman named Nurse Sunderland, showed her to her room.

“Your roommate is named Kady. You’ll be meeting her later today. Introduce yourself however you’d like.”

“I was thinking about just never speaking to her actually,” Julia drawled.

Sunderland gave her a bemused look.

“... yeah, I’ll introduce myself.”

Sunderland showed her the campus. There were four buildings: an administration building, the Key and Bee Cottage for girls, the Plover Cottage for boys, and the Whitespire Cottage for adults. They were arranged in a diamond shape with the administration building up front, the girls cottage the left portion of the diamond, the boy’s the right, and the adult cottage at the foot of the diamond. Between and around each building was spacious lawns, gardens, and trees. At the very center of the diamond there was a patio area with picnic tables and umbrellas. Every client had free reign of the facility but could not leave the premises, and staff would be around keeping an eye on all clients. “We have free time in the afternoons. Many choose to go outside for it. After you’ve done schoolwork you’re free to spend your leisure time as you’d like, however you must return for group therapy. Group is twice a day, once after breakfast and once at 4.”

Julia brightened at the idea of doing schoolwork. She’d been told she’d be able to catch up but hadn’t known the specifics of how. Schoolwork was good. It was a very Julia thing to do. 

“Any questions?”

_About a million_. “No, thanks.”

“You have about twenty minutes until group. Settle yourself in as much as possible until then.”

That seemed like a stupid thing to say, but Julia just nodded. She wandered for a bit and located a library. She also spent a few minutes taking notes of clocks on the walls to make sure she’d be able to figure out the time when she wanted to. They weren’t allowed phones and Julia had gone four months not knowing what time it was. It wasn’t something she planned to have to experience again anytime soon.

Julia found herself a seat in the big group therapy room early, a nice armchair that was both comfy and unable to host more than one person at a time. Close proximity to people was not something she’d even _attempted_ to work on yet. 

Pretty soon after her arrival people started to file in and Julia watched them all with careful consideration. A blonde girl with glasses who carried herself ramrod straight. A girl cradling an empty bundle of blanket. A redhead with lightning blue eyes and a contemptuous sneer. A little girl who couldn’t have been older than 14. Another redhead and a tall blonde girl entering together, whispering something as they sat. A gorgeous girl who carried herself with an air of regality. Each one quieted when they saw her, openly staring or casting sneaky glances her way as if hoping she wouldn’t see.

Last to arrive, after Sunderland had already sat down and attempted to begin introductions, was a girl with frizzy black hair and a scowl plastered to her face. The girl locked eyes with Julia and seemed shocked.

“This is her?”

“Kady, don’t be rude.”

“She’s tiny.”

“Not what we were expecting,” the blonde with glasses said tightly.

Julia shrugged unconsciously, as if answering a question that no one had actually cared to ask her. Perhaps they had been expecting a taller murderer.

“Let’s go around the circle and introduce ourselves. You know me, I’m Pearl Sunderland. You may feel free to call me Pearl, but the girls insist on Sunderland.”

“Alice,” the bespectacled blonde said primly.

“Fen,” introduced the girl with the empty bundle.

“Marina.” Sneering redhead.

“Fray.” The little girl.

“Poppy.” The other redhead.

“Victoria.” The redhead’s blonde friend.

“Margo.” Little Miss Princess.

“Kady.” The roommate.

“Julia,” Julia replied.

“Yeah, we know,” Marina said with a chuckle.

“Okay, _someone’s_ gotta ask,” Margo said, looking around expectantly.

“Margo,” Sunderland warned.

“You really killed a guy?” Kady asked.

“Kady, _enough_ ,” Sunderland snapped. “Really, girls, that was completely inappropriate and rude.”

“I don’t mind,” Julia said.

All eyes turned to her. Julia was glad for once she looked like a stranger. A stranger could tell this story, easy.

“I killed the guy who kidnapped me.”

There was a flurry of questions from all sides. Sunderland tried to calm the din, but she wasn’t able to make even a dent. It was Margo’s voice that cut through, a sharp, “ _Can_ it and let the girl speak!” quieting even Marina, who shot her a glare.

“Julia, you don’t have to-”

“No, it’s okay,” Julia interrupted. Better to get it all out there and not have them wondering and staring and guessing. “I broke the lock on the door to his basement and he had to get a new one. It must have freaked him out because he panicked. I pretended he knocked me out after he hit me for the damage, and he didn’t want to leave me in an unlocked basement so he tied me up and stuck me in the back of his van. He didn’t notice in his hurry that I was tensing my muscles. When I relaxed I had wiggle room in the ropes.” She held up her arms and put them close but not touching to demonstrate. “When he left me I opened the back door, got out of the rope and went into the mall looking for help. Only... I must have been in shock because I just wandered, hoping _someone_ would ask me if I needed help... only no one did.”

Julia looked down at the floor, memory swimming with the stares of all those people walking away from her, running from her, avoiding her. Not _one_ had asked her if she needed help.

“Guards caught up with me. I looked a mess, no shoes and blood on me from a nosebleed. I ran because I wasn’t thinking straight, fought them because they were trying to _grab_ me. Reynard- my kidnapper, he caught up. He ran at me, and I ran at him, and-”

Julia held her hand out in front of her, mimicking holding something. Her other hand briefly fluttered upward, remembering as it held onto the back of Reynard’s neck, then fell limp in her lap.

“... I ran to a friend’s, after that.”

All the girls stared.

“That was incredibly brave thing to do. You must have been scared.”

Julia shrugged. “No more or less than I had been. I was either going to get out or die.”

“Fuck,” one of the girls muttered under her breath. Julia didn’t catch which one it had been.

“Thank you for sharing with us, Julia.”

Some of the girls chorused various versions of thanks, but a few just watched her. Kady’s eyes never wavered.

Julia curled up and didn’t say another word for the rest of group. She didn’t hear a word anyone else said even though she had wanted to get more intel to go on. Her mind was abuzz with her own story and how it sounded, how stupid and fucked up it all was.

She walked through the rest of the day in a daze similar to the one she’d been in at the mall, wandering and picking at food. She went to her bedroom early and curled up under her covers, closing her eyes tight and counting as high up as she could get in pi. It helped her eventually fall asleep.

She escaped from a nightmare at around two in the morning, hands clawing at the air and a husky voice saying, “Hey, hey wake up!”

She opened her eyes to unfamiliar walls and immediately was on alert, rasping, “Leave me alone.”

“Okay, if you want,” the strange voice said. “I just wanted to help, but if you’re okay now.”

“Huh?” Julia sat up and looked at the owner of the voice. Her roommate. “Kady.”

“Yup, that’s me,” Kady said, crossing to room to sit on her own bed. Kady had gotten up to wake her?

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’m usually up odd hours. You didn’t wake me.

Julia didn’t know if the girl was lying. She didn’t know anything about her. “Thanks, for waking me up.”

“Sounded nasty.”

“They are,” Julia admitted. No reason to not be truthful about it, especially if they were going to be roomies. They’d be happening more often than not.

“That sucks.”

“Yeah.”

“So you escaped less than a week ago, huh?”

“Yup.”

“Do you forget, sometimes? That you’re free.”

“All the time.”

Kady nodded in a way that made Julia think she understood more than figuratively. Julia didn’t ask because it didn’t seem like Kady was offering.

“What helps you remember?”

Julia frowned. “Well I’m not in basement anymore. There’s that.”

“Yeah but...”

“But what?” Julia found herself snapping. “I was in the same room for months, so the fact that I’m not is enough.”

“Is it though?”

Julia licked her lips and looked away.

“So what helps?”

Quentin was Julia’s first thought but it wasn’t like he was here. He couldn’t help other than the thought of him, and that might not be enough every occasion she went off her rocker. She saw a lock of her blonde hair out of the corner of her eye and immediately reality wavered. 

She tugged at her hair. “It doesn’t come out.”

“Huh?”

“I’m not blonde.”

“Your hair is dyed.”

Julia tugged her hair, harder.

“Easy now,” Kady said, eyes widening.

“It’s not mine,” Julia growled. “I’m brunette. It’s not fucking mine.”

Her brain got that fuzzy quality to it and she turned her back to Kady. Neither of them said anything else.

The first few days were blurry as Julia faded in and out of that zone. More automatic movements than anything, quick fingers and slow head. She had her first individual therapy session with her clinician, a lady named Eliza, and afterward she didn’t remember a word she had said. She was trying to make it to visitor’s day. Quentin was coming. It was all she was clinging to.

Then her third day a box flew into her lap as she was sitting curled up on one of the sofas in the theater room.

It was a box of hair dye. She looked up sharply.

Kady shrugged. “Don’t know your shade.”

Julia was momentarily breathless with gratitude. She held the box to her chest and closed her eyes, then without thinking she unfurled and threw her arms around Kady.

“Thank you. _Thank you_.”

Kady hadn’t been expecting the hug but didn’t push her away either. When Julia pulled away she was smiling at her with a furrowed brow. “I didn’t take you for the affectionate type.”

“I was. Am. Maybe.”

Kady’s confusion faded into something soft. “Guess we’ll find out.”

Julia immediately went to dye her hair. It wasn’t perfect but it made her look so much more like herself. For the first time in what felt like forever she could look at herself in the mirror and see herself, not what he had made her be.

When Q came to visit the grin he wore nearly broke his face as she leapt into his arms. “You look so good, Jules!” He said.

“Thanks! It was Kady!”

“Who?”

Kady didn’t get visitors, but she’d been lurking and had gone wide-eyed in astonishment at Julia’s very physical affection of Quentin. She inched closer, a protective gleam in her eyes.

Q and Kady regarded each other warily.

Julia beamed at them both. “Q, this is Kady. Kady, Q.”

“I guess I just thought Q was a girl when you mentioned him.”

“What? _No_! Why?” Q squawked.

“Because why would she ever trust a _boy_?”

Quentin’s face immediately fell. Julia tucked a stray strand of her hair behind her ear, pretending not to have heard. “Q’s been my best friend since we were little. He’s more family to me than my blood.” Julia hugged him again, burying herself into his side. The sorrow on Quentin’s face faded as she snuggled close and he wrapped a shielding arm around her.

Kady watched with guarded curiosity.

Julia showed Quentin around barely taking her hand off him once, like he was a buoy she was clinging to. Kady trailed and Julia wasn’t sure _why_ but she didn’t mind. Julia liked Kady, especially after what she’d done for her.

When Quentin was forced to leave Julia wilted, her mind going fuzzy and blank like it had before she’d been able to dye her hair. He was her person. Julia felt safe and _herself_ when she was with him.

She curled up in an armchair and it took her a little bit of time to notice that Kady had scooted closer. She was staring at a book. When she noticed Julia looking she said, “This book is for shit.”

“... what is it?”

“Emma.”

“I love Emma.”

“Then here, you read it.” And with that Kady tossed it to Julia. Julia caught it out of the air. After a few seconds she opened to the first page.

The fuzz faded as she read, and her sharper brain could see that it was a new book and Kady had cracked the spine at a random middle page. She hadn’t been reading it.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: dream flashback to Julia's captivity, contains physical violence and implications of rape

Julia got to know the other girls over time. Some of them weren’t as easy to get to know, but some were open books. Some of them didn’t know why they were there, and some of them knew exactly what to do to get out. 

Some didn’t want to leave.

Alice had been forced into the program by her parents. Her brother Charlie had disappeared and no one knew where he gone or seemed to care. She had lost her way looking for answers. Her parents had pawned her off on Brakebills when her obsession grew too much for them to handle (and after the third time she’d been caught trespassing in her quest for answers). Her emotional coping skills left a lot to be desired, but she wasn’t _violent_ and she didn’t qualify for the Brakebills program. Her parents had pulled strings to get her admitted. 

Alice Quinn didn’t belong there. She needed therapy, to be sure, but the type of lock down that Brakebills provided wasn’t required for her. Because of this her resentment was growing and she was getting worse, not better. Julia felt for her. Alice had a lot of similarities to Julia. Work-oriented, stubborn, driven. The girl was a certifiable _genius_. Once Alice had gotten over any preconceived notion about Julia being a vicious killer she’d taken to talking to Julia about books and academic ventures. There wasn’t a huge amount of stuff to do at Brakebills besides read or watch television when there wasn’t some sort of session going on. Julia and Alice frequently camped out in the library, first separately and then together.

Fen was the second she got to know with any sort of intimacy. The bundle Fen carried around was her “baby”, an empty blanket with a teddy bear not big enough to create any sort of illusion that it was a real baby. There was a part of Fen that knew it wasn’t her baby because she had been the one to tell Julia her story, not anyone else. She had gotten pregnant at 16, miscarried at 17. She’d contracted a horrible case of post-partum that had led to a psychotic break and she’d attempted to steal a baby at a park and attacked the father. The mother had been sympathetic enough to convince her husband not to throw the book at her and she had been sent to Brakebills.

“This is just for… sensory input,” Fen had said, rocking her bundle slightly.

“The doctors don’t try to take it away,” Kady had confided later to Julia. “It doesn’t go well, when they do.”

Fen recognized she was suffering, had been working on herself to fix it. There was just a disconnect that existed with the letting go of the bundle. For now, the doctors were allowing her to keep her unfortunate coping mechanism.

“Sometimes you just let things go to work on the other stuff,” Kady said with a shrug.

Julia thought maybe she understood that.

Poppy and Victoria, too, had not remained mysteries for long.

Poppy wasn’t ashamed of her diagnosis, a serious case of bipolar with manic upswings that could become dangerous. She called her mania The Dragon, and had explained she’d been in different facilities across the state no less than four times. “I inevitably stop taking my meds at some point and The Dragon comes out,” she’d explained with what she thought was a contagious grin but only succeeded in making Julia uncomfortable. “Then I wind up in a place like Brakebills again, and it starts all over. They’re all pretty sick of me at this point.” The fact that Poppy apparently had no inclination to properly treat her illness made it hard for Julia to want to spend time with her.

Victoria was schizophrenic and heard voices telling her to jump off bridges and buildings and she’d almost taken a friend with her in a plunge off a cliff. She was doing very well on the medication prescribed to her, however, and she was scheduled to leave soon. Victoria had told Julia she already had a job lined up at a blogging website as a travel expert.

“Harriet is the best,” Victoria had explained to Julia with a big grin. “She hires all sorts of people with disabilities, says if you write well enough nothing should stop you. My ex Josh caters for her company and he landed me the interview.”

Fray wasn’t a mystery in quite the same way that the older girls were. She was a thirteen-year-old, and as a thirteen-year-old a lot of her emotions played close to the surface. Her outbursts were far more frequent than the others and within two days Julia witnessed Fray screaming at the top of her lungs and tearing through the facility, flinging books, smashing glass, demanding to be let go so she could find her true family, the “fairies of the high forest”. The little girl suffered from a delusional psychosis that had her convinced she was a changeling and had been switched at birth with a human child. She spent hours in the gardens trying to make plants grow and talking to animals.

Julia felt bad for the little girl, but there were only so many times one could sympathize with Fray attempting to destroy the place and calling all of them fucking disgusting human bitches. In the end, only Fen had an excess of patience for Fray and would always make excuses for the girl. Julia settled for not actively complaining.

Margo had been kidnapped and robbed a bank with her captors Patty Hearst-style, but from the way the story was told and the way the others looked at Margo, there was more to the story that Julia was missing. Julia refused to press and often tuned Margo out, because hearing about someone else being kidnapped and forced to do things she didn’t want to do hurt deep inside Julia’s soul.

Marina and Kady remained enigmas.

. 

_She was back in that basement, hair dyed blonde, rope around her wrists, her ankle attached to a bedpost with a chain. The rope around her wrists was incidental, cruel because it did nothing but make her uncomfortable and rub her wrists raw. Reynard had allowed her underwear and a bra, which he pretended was benevolent. Julia was not yet to a point of desperation where she believed that to be true, and she prayed she never would be._

_Reynard sometimes let her off the chain when he was home, but when he wasn’t she was always on it._

_Pros and cons._

_Julia heard the creaking of the stairs and she scooted up to the foot of the bed, curling into a tight ball to allow minimum access. It didn’t matter, but it made her feel a sliver of control._

_Reynard grinned when he entered. “Julia.”_

_“Fuck you.”_

_Punishment was quick, a burning on her cheek, blood at the corner of her mouth where an unhealed cut reopened. Even with the violence, his voice stayed light, almost playful. “That’s no way to talk to your god.”_

_“You aren’t my god.”_

_“I control every aspect of your life. What is that, if not godhood?”_

_A philosophical debate that Julia had long since tired of. She refused to reply._

_More pain._

_A hand on her throat._

_Denying her breath until she complied. Would she rather he rape her fully conscious, or would she rather wake up to it?_

_Another debate._

_Julia gave up, hating herself._

_Reynard’s teeth looked like fangs, and then he flipped her over._

_“Julia.”_

“JULIA!”

Julia lashed out, and a hand caught her wrist.

Julia pulled her caught arm close and surged forward, throwing her whole body behind the shove. The body she pushed moved with her, fluid, and then braced a hand on her shoulder and pushed back.

“Julia, it’s me!”

“Fuck you!” Julia snarled.

“Yeah, okay, I get it, but wake the fuck up!”

Julia’s eyes looked into green ones. Reynard’s eyes weren’t green.

“…please let me go.”

Kady let Julia go and backed up.

“You were crying. Like, really-” Kady looked uncomfortable. She ran a hand through her mane of hair. “It was… upsetting.”

“Sorry.”

“No, I mean…” Kady sat down at the edge of her bed, feet arched, knees high. “I felt bad. For you.”

Julia pulled her knees up to her chest, an uneasy feeling in her chest. She didn’t particularly like feeling pitied but… it was also not something she’d expected from Kady of all people, who acted too tough for that kind of shit.

Did Kady care about her?

“I didn’t want you to have to keep going through… whatever you were going through.”

“…thank you, then. I didn’t want to keep going through it, either.”

Kady nodded. She didn’t ask, and somehow that made Julia want to tell her. 

“I was dreaming about Reynard.”

Kady nodded again. Julia watched Kady’s face, trying to puzzle out if Kady wanted to hear more, if she should say more. Kady didn’t move an inch.

“… More a memory than a dream. There was nothing off about it, nothing that hadn’t happened. He hit me. He started to rape me. You woke me up.”

Kady’s face hardened. “I would have woken you up sooner if I could have.” 

Julia didn’t know what to say to that. She rubbed her arms with her hands.

“I’m glad you killed him.”

“A lot more people have said that than I expected,” Julia said with a wry smile.

“Scum like him doesn’t deserve to live.”

“We have a legal system. It wasn’t my choice to make.”

“Yes it was,” Kady said. “Who better to decide his fate than the one he hurt?”

Julia wasn’t sure that should be true. Even more than that, she hated that he had made her a murderer. Another change he had forced upon her, and one that wasn’t reversible like her hair. She would always be a murderer, now, always have taken a life. Even if he deserved it, she was the one who would _live_ with it. A last cruelty that was neverending.

“Do you talk to Eliza?” Kady asked.

“What?”

“In individual sessions. You never talk in group. Have you talked to Eliza?”

“Not really.”

“Maybe talking could help, you know, like they all say.”

“Do _you_ talk to Eliza?”

Kady scooted further onto her bed so that only her feet hung over the sides. “No.”

“You’re not really selling me on the concept.” 

“Fair,” Kady conceded.

“I barely know anything about you,” Julia said with a yawn as she started to settle back into her bed. Suddenly she was exhausted. The warmth of the covers was calling to her and the adrenaline of her nightmare had worn off quicker than she’d expected. Talking to Kady had helped. “I don’t know why you’re here or what you’re feeling. I don’t even know your last name. It’s weird hearing you say I should talk, considering all that.” Julia let her eyelids close. 

“Orloff-Diaz.”

It took genuine effort to force her eyes open again. Julia looked at Kady, the angle from which she was now laying casting shadows over half of Kady’s face. “That’s your last name?”

“Names. Two of them. Orloff hyphen Diaz.”

“Two last names. I like it,” Julia mumbled, closing her eyes again. 

“Night, Wicker.”

“Night, Orloff-Diaz.”


	4. Chapter 3

“-and that’s what a fairy ring does.”

“That’s all very fascinating, thank you Fray,” Sunderland said brightly. Fray beamed back. Fray only ever really seemed happy talking about fairies: she’d swerved around the real topic of conversation pretty quickly too, Sunderland asking Fray how she felt missing her eight-year-old brother’s birthday. 

Julia knew from Fen that Fray had called the cops on herself when she’d been filled with the urge to push her brother out a window. That had been the straw that broke the camel’s back, as it were, because it was not the first time the cops had been called to her house but it had been the first time she’d threatened _him_. Clearly a part of her cared about her brother. When Fray avoided talking about him it didn’t seem like more of her whimsical nonsense, it seemed like her avoiding talking about something that hurt her. 

“Does anyone else want to talk about important dates they might be missing while they’re in here and how that makes them feel?” 

Julia watched Kady pull a thread out of a hole in her jeans. Marina was looking at her nails, Margo was tapping her fingers on the arm of her chair. No one seemed like they were interested in sharing.

“Quentin’s birthday…” Julia said suddenly.

All eyes turned her way. It wasn’t like Julia to share.

“…it’s coming up. He’s turning 17.”

“Your best friend? The one whose house you went to?”

“Yes.” 

“How are you feeling about missing that?” 

“How do you think? Shitty. I should be there to celebrate with him. Instead I’m here, doing nothing.”

“You think you’re doing nothing here?”

“Does it seem like I’m doing much?” 

Sunderland leaned back in her chair and gave Julia an appraising look. “I’d like to think you’re doing something here, Julia, as that’s the point of _being_ here. We’re here to help you so that you can return home healthy, with coping skills and mindfulness practices to take with you. You’ve suffered a terrible trauma and we’re here to give you tools to deal with it.”

Julia snorted. She put her elbows on her knees and cupped her chin in her hands, glaring down at the floor. “Oh yeah? You’re giving me tools to help me deal with the fact that I was kidnapped and raped and became a murderer? I’d like to hear what kind of tools you think will help.”

“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, and we won’t know how to help you if you don’t talk to us. This program isn’t just to give you therapy and be done with it. It’s to give you a safe space to be heard, to find a safety net.”

“Julia,” Victoria said from across the circle. Sunderland raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. Victoria continued, “I’d just like to say I’m happy you talked today. It’s the first time since your first day here. Good job.”

Julia looked at Victoria incredulously, then at Sunderland who was smiling and nodding. “I didn’t say anything _important_.”

“Just sharing any thoughts at all is a good first step,” Sunderland replied. “As for your friend’s birthday, how about we work on a present for him during art therapy, or make him a cake during cooking class?”

“That all sounds pretty pathetic,” Julia grumbled.

“Oh? Do you think he won’t appreciate the effort?”

“… Q will appreciate anything I do for him. But I want to do something nice for him, not something stupid.”

“Arts and craft gifts are _stupid_?” Marina piped up, faux shock coloring her voice as she grinned at Julia. Julia frowned at her.

“You’re smart, Julia,” Fen said with a smile, adjusting her bundle in her arms. “Even in here, you could make him something wonderful. We’d help you.”

“We _would_?” Margo raised an eyebrow.

“Of course we would,” Fen retorted, more firmly this time. 

Margo rolled her eyes.

“Are we planning a party for a stranger? Oh, I’m in! I plan the best parties,” Poppy said, throwing her hands out and grinning. “Does he like people jumping out of cakes or no?”

“Um-" 

“It would be tasteful,” Poppy hurriedly added. “We’d need some carpentry tools, though, and some of us are definitely not allowed near power tools yet. Alice, do you know how to build a fake hollow cake?”

“Why on earth would I know how to build a fake cake?” Alice asked as she shrank back into her seat.

“Just wondering, you and V are probably the only ones who would get permission to use tools like that.”

 “You’re getting a bit ahead of yourself there, Poppy,” Sunderland headed her off. “Remember, this isn’t about you. Reign yourself in. 

Poppy pouted and crossed her arms over her chest.

“But would you like our help, Julia? I’m sure many of us would be more than happy to.”

Julia looked at the girls sitting around the room. Fen beamed at her. Besides Fen, most of the other girls displayed varying degrees of boredom or uncertainty. Fray had curled up in her chair and closed her eyes and there was no way to tell if she was feigning sleep or had actually nodded off.

“…I could ask him if he’d like a cake,” Julia ventured.

“That’d be wonderful, Julia,” Sunderland enthused. It seemed like way too much excitement for a cake, but Julia finally sharing something, talking in group, was always going to perk Sunderland up.

Poppy deflated when she realized no actual party was happening but a lot of the girls seemed relieved that was the case. Julia was glad. She wasn’t about to throw her best friend in the whole world a sad little party in a loony bin he wasn’t even _living_ in.

Julia didn’t know how to make food, though. It was one of her few shortcomings. Julia had a tendency to excel at or even master anything she tried, but cooking did not come naturally to her. She could see herself asking one of the other girls for help or advice there.

Group let out and Julia started to head for the library when a finger tapped on her shoulder. 

She turned and was surprised that it was Marina who had stopped her. “I’m kind of surprised you talked today. You always seemed too stubborn for that.”

“I’m plenty stubborn,” Julia said.

Marina grinned. “It’s something I’ve definitely admired about you.”

“Oh?” Julia intoned, trailing off. She hadn’t thought that Marina thought one way or another about her. Marina breezed in and out of group sessions like a shark swimming a reef, and when groups were over Julia rarely saw Marina. She had no idea where Marina went off to, considering the grounds were fairly compact and Julia usually saw every girl at least once a day outside of actual group sessions. Marina didn’t seem the type to hole up in her room, especially a room that she shared with Fen. Marina and Fen weren’t enemies, but they clearly didn’t get along. In fact, they were the only roommate pair that was a poor match. Poppy and Victoria got along swimmingly (even though Julia couldn’t see why someone as cool as Victoria would like someone as determined to stay unhealthy as Poppy), and Alice and Margo were… friends of some sort. Fen was just far too nice and Marina too abrasive for the two to mesh.

“Yeah. For a nutter, you’re pretty impressive,” Marina said. Julia bristled. It was meant to be a compliment, but she had trouble taking it as such.

“Thanks,” Julia said, voice dripping sarcasm. 

“Don’t be so sensitive. We’re all a bit crazy in here, aren’t we?”

“I’d disagree,” Julia said sharply. “Some of them are just sad, or were forced to do things they didn’t want to do.”

“Would you say you were forced to do what you did?” Marina purred, her bright blue eyes flashing. “Forced to kill your kidnapper?”

Julia’s blood started to run hot and she stepped into Marina’s space, even though she was smaller than the other girl by nearly half a foot. “Fuck. You.”

“Whoa, relax,” Marina said, holding up her hands in surrender. For an instant, actual guilt seemed to flicker across her face. “I don’t mean to upset you. I personally think it’s awesome, what you did. I actually wanted to ask you about it…” 

“Ask _what_ , exactly?” Julia snapped. “If I had a choice? If I think killing him was the right thing to do? Or are you looking for _details_. Fucking voyeur-” 

“ _No_ … how it felt,” Marina replied. Her voice dropped a few octaves in volume and she looked around, making sure no one was nearby.

Julia froze, her blood still pumping hot and fast through her body. “How…” Any words she might have said after stuck in her throat.

Marina’s eyes stopped flicking around, satisfied there was no one close enough to listen to their conversation. “I don’t think you know this, but I was kidnapped.”

Julia wanted to flee. She started to gather her feet under her to bolt, shifting away from Marina. Marina could clearly tell because she reached out again and Julia flinched away. “No, wait. I’m not trying to freak you out, or whatever.” She started to rub a scar on her right hand with her left fingers. Julia had noticed the scars before, but hadn’t known what they were from and now-

“Wasn’t so innocent as you,” Marina said with a grin, but there was a bitterness behind her tone. “Rival drug king pin grabbed me. Killed my cat. Threatened to cut off my fingers one by one. Some of my employees managed to rescue me and I-well, I ordered him killed. That’s how I ended up here. They couldn’t definitively tie anything to me or I’d have gone to jail for sure. I sobbed and looked the part of a confused, contrite teenager, and they cut me a deal, sent me here.” Marina’s grin wavered. “I didn’t- I didn’t have the balls to do it myself. Kill him.” Her eyes found their way back to Julia’s eyes. “I wanted to know what it actually feels like, to take the fucker who tortured you out of this world with your own hands.”

Julia’s airway felt like it was nearly completely closed up, a sliver of an opening letting her breath at all. She felt angry, hurt, sympathetic, disgusted, all feelings flashing through her in less than a second. What was Marina looking for, exactly? What did Marina possibly think that Julia could _give_ her?

“When I remember the feeling of his blood on my hands and his weight collapsing onto me, I want to die. And I want to die even more when I wonder if I regret it at all,” Julia choked out. 

Marina looked disappointed at her answer. 

Julia wanted Reynard dead. But it made her a murderer, and Julia wasn’t someone who had _ever_ wanted to take a life. Even his.

It might have felt different for Marina, Julia wouldn’t know. But the gaping maw of horror and loathing for what she had done gnashed in Julia’s gut whenever she stopped distracting herself from it for even an instant.

“Well that sucks,” Marina groused, crossing her arms over her chest and pouting. “Yikes.”

“Yes. It does suck,” Julia said. “I don’t know if you would feel different, but I’m glad you and Margo don’t feel the way that I do.”

Marina’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment in confusion before her mouth fell open. “Oh shit. You don’t know.”

Julia started to turn away from Marina, intent on going into her room and curling up in a ball for the rest of the afternoon. 

“Margo is lying.”

That made Julia pause. “What?”

“About being kidnapped and forced to rob a bank,” Marina said. “She said all that to cop a plea deal. She was never kidnapped and held in a closet. She masterminded the whole thing.”

The gnashing thing in Julia’s chest twisted and jerked, making Julia feel like she was going to throw up. Lied about being kidnapped. Margo had lied about going through that hell. She continued to lie about it, even now, straight to Julia’s face when she shared in group.

How could someone do that? How could Margo be so heartless?

Marina frowned a little as she watched Julia. “Listen, I don’t like it either. It sucks hearing someone take the worst thing that’s ever happened to you and use it to get out of hot water. But you can’t narc. Margo’s a conniving bitch and she’s surviving how she knows. Just hate her in private, like I do.”

Julia spun on her heels and fled to her room. 

. 

Julia spent that afternoon in her bed, spiraling thoughts flitting between Margo lying and flashbacks of her captivity, as well as imagining what Margo had been doing when she had been supposedly kidnapped.

_Margo sipping a coke and laughing with her thieving friends._ “They threatened to kill me, they wanted an innocent face.” _Margo on a computer, planning the whole thing._ _Julia tied to a bed, rubbing at her ankle to try to ease the blisters._ “They locked me in a closet, in the dark, I was sleeping on jackets and sweaters.” _Margo smoking a joint as she drove them to their bank of choice. Julia curled up at the head of the bed, listening for footsteps._ “They gave me a gun, but there were more of them, what was I supposed to do?” _Margo with a gun, running back to the getaway car with a huge grin on her face. Julia sobbing into the pillow, a new bruise blooming around her neck._

Julia hated Margo. She _hated_ her.

She wasn’t sure why she had so easily believed Marina that Margo was lying but something had always been off about Margo’s story. Julia had tried so hard to ignore when Margo talked because it triggered Julia, but she’d been curious and caught snippets. Maybe it was the way the others sometimes exchanged glances when Margo talked. Or maybe it was something else, something unconscious, about the way that Margo carried herself, the way that she talked, had made Julia uneasy.

Julia believed Marina. Margo was lying and they had all known, and they went along with it.

How could they?

Julia knew it wasn’t about her, Margo had been saving her own skin and the others were protecting her the way that they knew how, but it suddenly felt like Julia couldn’t trust a single one of them. She had been led to believe that Brakebills was a place for people who could be rehabilitated, who regretted what they’d done or were so young they didn’t know what they were _doing_. But that wasn’t true at all. 

Julia had been raped, had been chained to a bed, had been terrified for her life and killed Reynard.

Marina and Margo, they’d done the things they’d done without coercion, and they’d been in their right minds. 

Had _Kady_?

Julia still knew so little about Kady. Was she like Margo? Had she lied her way into the Brakebills program, said she was hurt and abused and was here after copping a plea? What had she done? She _had_ to know now. She’d been fine just leaving it, respecting Kady’s privacy, but she shared a _room_ with Kady. She had trusted Kady enough to voice things she hadn’t to anyone else. She couldn’t live with not knowing if Kady was a fraud.

She sat up suddenly, determined to go find Kady and demand to know why she was at Brakebills.

She had been facing the wall and hadn’t noticed Kady lurking in the doorway, watching her.

“How long have you been there?”

“Came looking for you when you weren’t around. You’re usually in the library around now.”

“Oh.”

“You okay?” 

“No,” Julia answered honestly. Kady raised an eyebrow. 

“What’s up?”

“Why are you here?”

Kady narrowed her eyes. “Excuse me?”

“At Brakebills. Why are you _here_?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Because I want to trust you, but I don’t know if I can,” Julia mumbled, her thoughts still disjointed and bouncing around her head. If she was feeling more herself, more pulled together, she’d be more succinct, explain what had happened. But she was all jumbled up inside and she just needed answers without her using too many words. 

“Trust me?” Kady said, an edge creeping into her voice. “So you can’t trust me all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know.”

“What the fuck?” Kady growled, looking more pissed than Julia had expected. Julia scooted up to the head of her bed ( _curled up, chain around her ankle_ ) and watched Kady warily.

Kady stopped. “… you’re _really_ upset.”

Julia’s face settled somewhere between a glare and a sulky look. “Was that not clear?”

“What happened?”

“Margo is a liar.”

“Oh,” Kady said, rubbing the back of her head and looking suddenly guilt-ridden. “You heard about that.”

“And everyone knew.”

“I don’t know if _everyone_ knows… but most of us, yeah. She told a bunch of us one night when a few of us were sneaking snacks from the kitchen. She’s kind of proud of it, honestly.”

Julia’s face darkened.

“She’s not trying to hurt anyone,” Kady said. “But yeah, I can see why you’d be upset.”

“Lying about being kidnapped… why would anyone want people to think that about them? I know what people think when they see me, when they know,” Julia said, her voice fading in and out. 

“What they think of you?” Kady seemed genuinely confused. 

“Broken, pathetic rape victim,” Julia said. 

Kady flinched. “That’s not what I think of you.” 

“Of course you do,” Julia said. “You, more than anyone. You see me at night. Nightmares. Crying.”

Kady shifted awkwardly, clearly at a loss for words. Kady had never seemed like one to use many of them, and was never quick with a quip. She was physical, moving before speaking. She didn’t know what to say, not immediately. After half a minute she said, “You’re always fighting in your dreams. You take swings at me to prove it. You’re strong, and stubborn, and brave as fuck. You’re like, the smartest person I’ve ever met, reading huge books for fun and using words I’ve never heard of before. You’re also one of the nicest people, too, even though you have every reason not to be. I’ve never seen you outside these walls, and I guess you could be different out there, but you’re nice to every girl in here, even Marina, even that brat Fray. You’re a lot of things, Julia Wicker. The first things that come to mind aren’t broken, pathetic rape victim.” 

It was Julia’s turn to be silent. She wasn’t used to not knowing what to say, as quick thinking and quick witted as she is, but she didn’t know how to respond to Kady. It was the most Kady had ever said in one go, and it was all about how fucking great she was as a person. None of that could possibly be true… but Kady wouldn’t make all that up, would she?

“You’re so fucking hard on yourself,” Kady said. “It sucks, you know? The last person who needs judgment is you. You did everything in your power to survive. And your brain protected itself, and now you’ve got different instincts than you used to have and different responses to shit. It’s okay. You’re still here. _You_ did that, Julia. You saved yourself. And you’ll do it again, it just might take a bit more time than you’d like. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.” 

Julia’s vision blurred, her cheeks and neck hot. “I’m not doing anything wrong,” she rasped as if to confirm.

“Not at all.”

Julia stared, licked her lips anxiously. “Okay.”

“You… okay now?”

Julia nodded, then shook her head seconds later. “I don’t really know. I still hate Margo. I still feel shitty.”

“Makes sense.”

“… but I’m less foggy,” she said. She let her body relax, her legs uncurling, her arms letting go of their grip on herself. “I feel more here.”

“Oh. That’s good.”

Julia nodded. That was the worst, the fog that fell over her brain, the way her body moved without her permission, all poised to attack and defend. Not being in control of herself. For Julia that had always been one of her greatest fears, not being in control, and now that possibility of losing herself crept up on her every fucking day.

“You wanna get out of this room and go hang out in the library or something?” Kady prodded. “I know you usually hang out with Alice around this time, reading and nerding.”

“Oh? You know that about me?” Julia teased. 

Kady rolled her eyes. “Oh shut it, Wicker.” But she was smiling.

Julia found her feet and started toward their door. Kady moved out of her way. Julia didn’t fail to notice that Kady followed her all the way to the library before disappearing off to do her own thing.

It only later occurred to Julia that Kady hadn’t ever told her why she was here.


	5. Chapter 4

Whenever Quentin was allowed to visit he came without fail. It served to ground Julia better than anything else, because while she got along well with Kady and Fen and Alice, Brakebills felt like another world, a pocket universe of cream walls and calm voices, occasionally splintered by screams and insults when someone (usually Fray) had an issue. Julia felt like she lived in limbo, neither moving forward or backward in her life.

She’d finished all the work she’d needed to catch up on within the first few weeks of living at Brakebills. It had been nearly four months of classwork, but other than therapy and the occasional visit from law enforcement asking her details about her captivity and her escape, there wasn’t a whole lot to do. Julia wasn’t the type of person who could sit and watch movies or go on outings to zoos or gardens when there wasn’t some sort of _goal_ involved. She had to be _doing_ , and she’d spent hours on end reading her textbooks, doing her essays, catching up on math and science. Her teachers had insisted she didn’t need to do all that and had given her truncated lists of assignments to catch up on, but Julia had ignored them and with Quentin’s help had gathered up all the assignments she’d missed out on so she could complete every one. Working on school made her feel _better_ , more herself, and she thought her teachers were rather stupid to think that giving her less work would make her feel supported when she had always been an overachiever and thrived on challenge.

Now she was all caught up with her schoolwork. She’d gone ahead in the syllabus of every class, she’d done extra credit and extra extra credit and had been given four different SAT prep textbooks, courtesy of Quentin. Quentin understood her, he knew she needed work, to be busy and feel like she was learning and _accomplishing_. He was helping her as much as he could and the Brakebills staff was now on board with it. At first they’d been worried about stressing her out, then they’d worried she was using it as therapy avoidance, but eventually Eliza and Sunderland had figured out that was just how Julia _was_.

So every time Quentin showed up, he came with a backpack filled with her week’s schoolwork, plus a bunch of extra work he’d bullshitted out of thin air that he knew would keep her occupied for a few days. It still never filled her week, but it carried her through a big enough portion that she could ride out the rest of the week and not feel like she needed to tear off her own skin to escape her head.

Quentin showed up the weekend after Julia found out about Margo with his customary bag, but for the first time Julia didn’t even think about it once. She pulled him into the tightest hug she could muster and when she pulled back she said, “I’m going to make you a cake for your birthday.”

Quentin’s surprised face made Julia giggle and want to wrap him in another hug. He smiled, eyebrows knit and nose wrinkled a little. “A cake?”

“Yeah. I’m stuck in here for your birthday but I wanted to celebrate with you. I feel shitty that I’m going to miss your seventeenth.”

“You don’t have to feel shitty about that. It’s not a big deal.”

“It is to me.”

Quentin gave her a goofy guileless smile and Julia’s heart swelled. 

“Did you tell him about the cake?”

Julia and Quentin both turned to Fen, who was gently rocking her blanket bundle and smiling at them both. Quentin’s eyes flickered to the blanket in puzzlement and Julia quickly put a hand on his arm and squeezed. He looked at her and she gave him a tight-lipped smile, communicating without words not to ask. He nodded imperceptibly.

“Q, this is Fen,” Julia introduced, turning back to the girl. Fen hadn’t seemed to notice the quick exchange. “Fen, this is my best friend Quentin.”

“Hello! Julia talks about you all the time to me and Alice,” Fen enthused, adjusting her arms so that one could safely cradle the blanket and the other could reach out for a handshake. Quentin took it clumsily.

“Oh, um, I didn’t know- sorry, Fen, right? I didn’t know she talked about me so much.”

“Only always,” Fen said, readjusting to cradle her little bundle. “She hasn’t worked up to talking about the harder stuff yet, but that’s okay.”

Julia bit her lip and avoided Quentin’s questioning gaze.

“Sorry… I don’t really know much about what it’s like here,” Quentin said, awkwardly shifting his stance. “Not because Julia doesn’t like you or anything! I just- was under the impression she wanted to keep things private. You know. Because it’s, like, therapy and stuff.”

“That makes sense,” Fen said. “It’s not like I would share any of her business either. Oh, Alice!” Fen jerked her head toward the door behind Quentin and Julia. Julia turned to see Alice standing pale and stiff as she realized there was a small crowd of people she had not anticipated. “Come meet Q!” 

“I don’t want to intrude…” Alice trailed off, her voice pitched barely loud enough for Julia to hear.

“I’m sure it’s not! Is it? I’m _sure_ it’s not,” Fen said.

Quentin looked unsure but Julia gave his arm another squeeze, this time a touch of reassurance, and said, “Not at all. If you’d like to, Alice. No pressure.” 

“Oh- well… okay,” Alice said, half stumbling forward in an attempt to get her feet moving again. Julia noticed Quentin tactfully look away as if he hadn’t seen. It occurred to Julia then that the awkwardness that Alice had was something that Quentin shared. Maybe that was part of why she’d gotten along with Alice so quickly.

“I’m Alice,” she offered, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Though I think you heard that.”

“Quentin,” Q replied, nearly mirroring Alice as he tucked a lock of his hair behind his own ear. Julia giggled.

Fen raised an eyebrow and grinned. “Oh no, there are two of you.”

“W-what?” Quentin stammered as Julia bent over in a fit of laughter.

“Awh, isn’t this cute,” Marina said as she breezed in, followed closely by Kady who was casting the girl suspicious looks.

“Marina,” Julia said coolly. 

“Relax, princess, I’m not here to crash the little party,” Marina said, her grin tipping upward derisively at the word “party”. “I have people who visit me, too.” 

“Oh yeah? I haven’t seen one yet,” Julia snapped back. Marina’s blue eyes flashed. Julia felt momentary guilt. It wasn’t as if Marina had done anything to her. She’d let slip about Margo, and was a raging bitch in general, but she’d never done anything to Julia _personally_. It wasn’t fair of Julia to lash out. She was so much quicker to the offense, lashing out twice as hard as was warranted.

“I didn’t know you kept tabs on my comings and goings,” Marina said breezily.

Julia turned her back to Marina. Quentin took the cue and did the same. Kady joined the little group around Julia, keeping an eye on Marina. 

“Hey, Q.”

“Oh, hey Kady,” Quentin said with a shy grin. Kady arched an eyebrow playfully. “How are you?”

“Same as always. Bored stiff of this place.”

“We aren’t all bad,” Julia teased.

“Guess not,” Kady allowed. 

Julia saw Alice and Fen exchange a look as Kady didn’t cast them a second glance. Kady didn’t really talk to anyone but Julia, and Julia hadn’t noticed this until a while into her stay. She wasn’t mean to anyone, just uninterested in pursuing any kind of familiarity with any of the others. Julia wondered if Kady would have treated her the same way if she hadn’t been saddled with Julia as a roommate.

“Well, if there’s anything I could get you to make this place less boring,” Quentin suddenly piped up.

Julia was somewhat stunned but she beamed at him.

Kady looked absolutely dumbfounded. “Why?” 

“Because you help out Julia,” Quentin said, casting a devoted look Julia’s way. Julia couldn’t have asked for a better friend. “And I’d love to be able to do something for you in return.”

“You don’t have to,” Kady mumbled.

“I know,” Quentin shrugged.

“Well… there isn’t a whole lot they’d let you bring me anyway,” Kady said. “So thanks, but no thanks. I gotta go.” And like that, Kady was out the door.

“I’ve never seen her look so edgy,” Alice said, tilting her head and frowning. “What do you think that was about?”

“I didn’t mean to freak her out,” Quentin looked after Kady’s retreat with remorse written all over his face.

“That was sweet of you, Q,” Julia soothed, throwing an arm around his shoulders. “You’re the sweetest.” She kissed his cheek.

Quentin started to stammer out something but seemed to lose track of what he was going to say. Fen giggled and Alice gave him a sympathetic smile.

The four of them talked briefly about what kind of cake Quentin wanted for his birthday. Fen bled off when her own visitors arrived and Alice wasn’t far behind, leaving the room after finally retrieving the book she had been seeking out before bumping into them. 

Julia kept an eye on Marina and her visitor, a handsome man in a suit that didn’t look like had any business in a place like Brakebills. When he saw Julia looking he gave her a wink that sucked the air from her lungs and she had to hold on tight to Quentin’s hand to remind herself that she was okay, creepy dudes in suits winking at her was not a danger. Quentin glared at the man and he laughed, but Marina noticed and socked her visitor in the shoulder. Julia heard her say, “Knock it off, Pete,” and then Marina pulled him farther away from Julia and Quentin to finish their conversation. As much as Julia disliked Marina she was grateful for the gesture.

Julia and Quentin went back to talking and Julia finally accepted the backpack full of work, which included a college level calculus book he had gotten second hand at a book sale just for her. In her excitement Julia managed to get Quentin to read the first few problems with her and solve two of them. During the third problem as they scribbled away, Quentin ventured, “Why do you think Kady was so weird after I offered to get her something? She doesn’t think I was hitting on her, does she?”

Julia looked up to see Quentin’s face pinched anxiously as he chewed on his pencil’s eraser. “Is that still bothering you?”

“Duh,” Quentin huffed and Julia ran a hand over his head in a soothing pat. She should have known. Quentin had major social anxiety and was always worried about the impressions he made, offending people, making himself look like a fool. High school social politics had done nothing to convince him that he was fine and only reaffirmed for him that he was a stuttering, dorky freak. Julia loved all of Quentin and who he was, but the world was cruel and told him he was wrong constantly.

“Don’t worry about it,” Julia said. She knew that wouldn’t be enough so she continued, “Kady doesn’t think you were flirting, I’m sure. She just doesn’t really like talking to people. I was surprised she came to say ‘hey’ in the first place.”

“But… she talks to you?” Quentin asked.

“Yeah. I’m pretty much the only person she talks to. 

“Oh really?” Quentin said, and this time there was some mischief in his voice. “The only person?”

“Oh shut up,” Julia laughed, elbowing Quentin in the side.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“For you being presumptuous and a jerk.”

“Hey now, all I asked was if you really were the only one. _You_ jumped to conclusions about what I was asking.” His grin had widened even more, leaving no doubt to what he was insinuating, but because he hadn’t said anything out loud any protesting on Julia’s part would seem like she was the one bringing it up.

“The biggest jerkface,” Julia complained, shoving him.

“I am not!”

“You so are!”

They play-wrestled some before one of the staff cleared his throat and motioned for them to break it up. Julia scooted back into one of the couches corners and stuck her tongue out at Quentin.

They both caught their breath for a few seconds, then Quentin said, “You know I’m teasing, but also… I mean, the way she helped you with your hair, and the fact that she’s practically all you talk about when I visit… It’s all pretty cute, Jules.”

Julia felt a flush growing in her cheeks. “She’s not all I talk about.”

“It’s basically talk about me, schoolwork, and her,” Quentin said, counting off what he listed on his fingers. Julia shook her head, but she wasn’t entirely sure he was wrong. She hadn’t noticed… Quentin’s voice dropped low to make sure no one else in the room heard as he said, “I don’t know whether it’s just because you’re living with her or because she helped you out or what, but if she makes you feel safe and heard and all that, she seems like a good candidate to crush on while you’re here.”

“I’m going to murder you, Quentin Coldwater,” Julia groaned and then laughed, before she realized what she’d said and her laughter died in her throat. “I- mean…”

Before Julia could retreat into her head Quentin reached out and took her hand, effectively pulling her back. They sat there for a second, hands locked, as Julia reoriented her thoughts. When he was sure she wasn’t about to fall into that abyss, he said, “I can’t help you in here, and I’m kind of jealous that she gets to. But I’m grateful that you have _someone_ , and I’m grateful it’s an intimidating as fuck chick who looks like she could punch out Hercules. I wish I knew more about her, but if she has your vote she has mine too.”

Julia squeezed his hand and leaned into him, burying her nose into Quentin’s neck. “I love you, Q.”

“I love you, too. Always.”

Julia was sad to see Q go but fortunately it didn’t have the devastating effect it had the first few times he’d had to leave. She could still function and wasn’t a zombie shuffling from room to room, movements like a prey animal. She was able to go back to her room and start working on calculus problems without any incident. That’s where Kady found her, puzzling out problem number seven at her desk. When she saw Kady she put her pencil down and turned to face her. “Q didn’t mean to freak you out Kady. You okay?” 

“Yeah, of course I am,” Kady said, grinning for a second. It faded. “I thought it over. Where I’m from, favors like what Q was offering come with a price. Wasn’t sure I was willing to pay it. Took me walking off and thinking about it to realize your Quentin might have just meant it, that he was doing it because I help you out.”

Julia nodded. She stopped herself from saying ‘Of course Q meant it’. Quentin didn’t need her defense right now. Kady needed Julia to understand where Kady’s head was at. “Where you come from?” Julia ventured, curious but careful. She didn’t want to spook Kady, scare her off like Quentin had accidentally done.

Kady winced. “You picked up on that. Should have known you would.”

Julia quickly said, “You don’t have to say anything else, if you don’t want to. 

“No, it’s cool,” Kady said in a way that made Julia think it might not actually _be_ cool. Still, she sat down on her bed and started to kick off her shoes as she continued, “I grew up in New York City with-” she stopped and Julia could see Kady’s jaw working, her muscles tightening all throughout her body. Julia was about to say again that Kady could leave it when Kady went on, “Around some rather seedy people. My mom… she was in with a rough crowd. She tried to keep me apart from it all, did her best to make my childhood a good one. She paid for dance lessons and piano lessons we couldn’t afford, got me nice clothes, made sure I was fed, but… well, even with all that, it creeps in, you know?” Kady looked at Julia and her face tightened. “Maybe you don’t. I hope you don’t.”

“I spent my time around junkies and dealers and sex workers. Some of ‘em left me alone, respected that I was just a kid. Some of ‘em didn’t, and I learned a lot of things I shouldn’t have. Pickpocketing and how much a kilo of coke was worth depending on origin, how to tell if someone was carrying, how to spot a narc, how to get small and get out of the way when there was someone seriously dangerous around. That kind of life, you learn fast that there are strings attached to things. Maybe you gotta pay soon, maybe they wait years to spring the debt on you, but there’s always a price. It’s a mindset I’m still working on. I do tend to think it’s a truth of the world, no matter where you’re from. There aren’t many genuinely nice people as you and Quentin. Even the judge who saw me as a charity case and stuck me here, he’s expecting me to pay him back by straightening out, being _better_.”

Julia wanted to rush to assure Kady that she was better but she didn’t really know that. She didn’t know what Kady had been like. Kady’s story was tragic and Julia wanted nothing more than to erase the years that Kady had suffered, had spent constantly ready to defend herself. 

“I’m sorry that’s the environment you grew up in,” Julia said. “Nobody deserves that.”

“I came out okay,” Kady replied.

“Better than okay. You’re amazing.”

Kady flinched. “You wouldn’t think that if you knew everything about me.”

“I know enough, or I like to think I do.”

“I tried to kill someone,” Kady blurted out. Julia felt her blood turn to ice. She worked on focusing on the word “tried” even as her brain screamed _killer killer killer just like you_.

“My mom’s dealer,” Kady said, her whole being deflating as she did, chin nearly touching her chest and hands limp at her sides. “He- she-…” There was silence as Kady figured out what to say and as Julia focused on moving her fingers and toes, focusing on her body and not her head so she didn’t go diving into the darkness.

“…she died,” Kady finally managed. That snapped Julia back to attention, pulled her back to reality. Julia’s hand fluttered to her mouth.

“Kady, I’m so-”

“It was her own fault,” Kady snapped, more to the ground than to Julia. “She overdosed. For years I told her to get off the stuff. Heroin will always kill you, in the end. She should have stopped. She should have _listened_ to me.”

“I couldn’t think straight. I was mad at her, but what was the use of being mad at her when she was _dead_? I had to be mad at someone else, had to get all that anger out _somewhere_. So I focused on Mitch. Always such a fucking sleazebag. I had a whole plan to kill him, had a bunch of weapons and shit, and I was on my way to do it.” Kady bit out a laugh and looked at Julia, eyes bright, a jagged grin cutting across her face. “I got stopped for jaywalking. That’s what they said anyway, probably more like ‘looking like a suspicious hood’. They were gonna write me a ticket and one of them ‘smelled weed’ on me, so they looked in my bag. They were definitely not prepared for the arsenal I had in there. Isn’t that the stupidest thing? I was off to murder someone and I got caught because I ran across the street instead of going to a crosswalk. Got a few swings in before they tased and cuffed me.” Kady shook her head.

“Judge Mayakovsky is a hardass, but he wouldn’t let my case get kicked to criminal court even though I was sixteen and he could have easily done it. He sent me here even though I can’t pay for this place, said Brakebills had to take me to meet some sort of state requirement and it’s being paid for on the government’s dime. Mayakovsky looked me right in the eye and said that I better shape up. ‘Don’t make me regret this’.” Kady was usually a solid object, nothing shook her, nothing could scare her. But as Julia looked at her now, she saw a vulnerability that she’d never seen before. “How am I supposed to _do_ that? Make sure he doesn’t regret sending me here, putting his decision making rep on the line? I’m gonna fuck up, I know I will, and he’ll never do this for another kid. He’s not gonna go out on a limb for a kid who really deserves it.”

“Kady, _you_ deserved it. You deserve a chance. You weren’t given one as a kid, and now you have one. I know you can do this,” Julia stood from her desk and sat down on Kady’s bed next to her. When Kady didn’t protest, Julia scooted closer and put her hand over Kady’s, squeezing gently. “Nothing you’ve told me makes me change my opinion that you are one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met. You’re nothing but patient with me, even though I wake you up nearly every night. You got me hair dye when you realized that I was struggling, a girl you barely knew. I don’t even know how you got that in here, it was like a miracle. You’re smart and kinder than you give yourself credit for. That judge took a chance on you, and he wasn’t wrong to do it.”

Julia could tell by the subtle shift of Kady’s weight, the flexing of her fingers, that her muscles were loosening as she relaxed. Julia didn’t know whether Kady believed her or the fact that someone believed in her was enough of a start. And Julia did believe in Kady. Kady had shown Julia type of intuitive kindness that she had never seen before, not outside of Quentin, and Quentin knew her like the back of his hand. Kady hadn’t known Julia in the slightest but she had been able to pick up on what Julia needed. Not only that but had offered it to her expecting nothing in return. Julia would never forget it and wasn’t likely to let Kady forget it either.

Kady pulled her hand away from Julia and she took that as her cue to give Kady some space. She went back to her little desk and without missing a beat changed the subject. “Quentin brought me this huge calculus book. I won’t be able to get through _this_ in one week!”

She could hear Kady let out a huff of relief as she replied, “Thank god, finally something that can occupy your brain for longer than two seconds!”

Julia threw her eraser at Kady and Kady grabbed her pillow off her bed and walloped Julia in the back of the head.

.

Julia began to talk more in group, mostly about smaller things. She talked about the triggers that took her by surprise, like the smell of eggs or the sound of a random pop song or generic aftershave. She talked about how she felt like she had been cut and pasted into the future, like she hadn’t lived the time she’d been missing and suddenly time had jumped forward and she’d missed current events and holidays. Julia had missed the latter half of winter holiday season: she’d been kidnapped in late November and had escaped days before April began. She’d joked that she’s glad she hadn’t shown up again on April 1st or people might have thought the whole thing was a big scam. Only a couple of people had laughed at her morbid sense of humor. She talked about missing school, missing her friends, missing Quentin, missing her sister, even. She talked about feeling like her body was a stranger’s because it didn’t always do what she wanted of it or expected it to.

She almost talked about worrying her body would never be hers again, that he had ruined it. She didn’t know how to bring that up.

Talking helped more than she expected. Sunderland’s advice and opinions were good ones even if they were painted with a clinical veneer, and the other girls offered thoughts and support (though Julia would only ever take it from a handful of them). Fen had good questions and gentle, coaxing words to impart every time and Victoria always threw out a few thoughts that feel helpful to Julia. Alice tried, too, even though it had always been clear that Alice didn’t give much credence to therapy. Julia appreciated that even though Alice actively disliked the practice she was willing to offer her own words to Julia because she _cared about_ Julia.

Margo might have given some interesting points of view. Julia wouldn’t know: she tuned Margo out the second she heard the other girl’s voice. Better that than launch herself at Margo and try to throttle her.

Kady started to talk in group, too, to everyone’s astonishment. It was never anything personal, usually generic or vague thoughts offered to a topic or sharing what coping techniques she’d been practicing. Nothing about her mother, or the fact that she’d almost killed someone, or that once she left Brakebills she’d be going back to the same environment.

Most of the girls probably didn’t know anything at all about Kady, but she’d told Julia that there were bits and pieces of it that others knew. Kady had been honest: one of the people who knew a slice was Margo.

Julia clung to the fact that she knew the whole story and she could lord it over Margo in her head.

Margo had noticed that Julia had started to cold shoulder her. Julia suspected that Margo was smart enough to figure out why because Margo had started to mimic Julia’s movements, going left when Julia went right, staying on the farthest side of the room from her. It was a dance they did every day and Julia was glad that Margo was down to ignore her.

Other than that, Julia was feeling more and more like herself with each passing day. She lost herself less, felt safer moving through the world. She even fell asleep on Kady’s shoulder once while they were watching a movie in the evening and didn’t wake up freaking out. The staff had woken her up as soon as they’d noticed of course. The clients weren’t supposed to be getting cuddly even if it was perfectly harmless. But the staff on shift that night hadn’t been particularly observant and she’d gotten a solid 20 minutes of snoozing in using Kady as her pillow. She never would have let herself fall asleep like that at the beginning of her stay at Brakebills.

She had not missed Fen giving her a knowing grin from across the room, nor the look of curiosity that had crossed Alice’s face. She _also_ had not missed the smirks on Margo and Marina’s faces which made Julia want to punch them. Thankfully she was still _her_ , not the feral Julia that lurked somewhere in her mind, and she hadn’t done anything but look away from them.

The idea that she had a crush on Kady was something she turned over in her head at least once a day, polished to shining by her hands as she turned it over and stared at it. Julia knew logically that there were plenty of factors that made any sort of romantic relationship out of the question. One, Kady probably didn’t like her that way, so she wasn’t about to ruin the safety and comfort she got from being around Kady by introducing awkwardness. Two, she shouldn’t be in any sort of relationship until she was at least halfway sane again. Three, well, the attraction might just stem from being cooped up with eight other girls and she was seeking connection with the available options.

Kady was stunning, no doubt, and she was funny and strong and smart, but it wasn’t as if she was Julia’s type. She had never gone for the bad boys or girls. No, her tastes leaned more towards Ivy-bound, with aspirations that could rival her own.

She’d had a boyfriend, Bobby Gallagher, before… _before_. Julia hadn’t talked to him since she’d come back, and she was fairly certain they weren’t “an item” anymore. Quentin hadn’t mentioned him and Julia hadn’t asked, and that was that. He’d been a nice boy. All AP classes, captain of a few teams, kind as far as teenage boys went. In some ways it had been over before she’d gone missing. 

She’d been going to possibly cheat on him when she’d been taken, after all.

( _Her fault her fault her fault her_ -)

All of her other relationships had been shorter flings, but they’d been similar boys or girls. She’d never once been interested in anyone quite like Kady.

Had her tastes changed?

Had _he_ changed them?

A dangerous road to go down, those thoughts. Leading down into the abyss of “what is left of me” and “can I ever go back” and similar thoughts.

Thinking about the whyfors was dangerous, but thinking about _Kady_ wasn’t. In fact, Kady was just about the safest thing she could think about these days. Kady’s smile, her gorgeous hair, the way her hands clenched into fists automatically but loosened when she was starting to feel at ease in a situation, her piercings, her kissable lips.

Okay, maybe not _not_ dangerous. Dangerous in a different way that had more to do with the question of where she was and where Kady was, and that plunge off a cliff into unknown territory.

Safer to just admire from where she sat next to Kady during group, from her bed across the way from Kady’s, sink into that feeling of protection and cocoon herself there.

Maybe before one of them was discharged, Julia would chance it. But not yet, not when there was so far to go and Julia wasn’t sure if she could make it without Kady on her side.


	6. Chapter 5

Fen was more than happy to help Julia prepare for Quentin’s birthday celebration, even going so far as to set down her bundle to help with the baking and making of small decorations. Fen roped Alice in as well. The day before Quentin’s small celebration found Julia, Fen, and Alice in the kitchen making a funfetti cake with chocolate icing. It had almost felt normal, and Julia had forgotten for a time that a staff member was lurking just to the side watching to make sure none of them did anything reckless or dangerous. Kady had floated in and out during the afternoon, sneaking a taste of the batter when Julia “wasn’t looking”, and painting a small dollop onto Julia’s cheek when Julia had reprimanded her.

For the most part Fen had been in charge, with Alice meticulously reading the instructions and Julia spending half her time supervising and making sure it was all something Quentin would enjoy and half her time flirting with Kady. Julia was glad that she was friends with Fen and Alice and was fairly certain she could trust them, or the winking and knowing looks would have made her edgy. 

Julia should not have underestimated Fen’s enthusiasm for making people happy, though, because when Julia showed up to wait for Quentin’s arrival, Fen had also made party leis, set up a music station that Alice was awkwardly sitting by, and had put up a sign that said “Happy Birthday Quentin” across one of the walls. Julia felt her stomach drop. Quentin could get overwhelmed easily and she didn’t want to upset him on a day that was supposed to be a gift from her to him when she could only manage so much.

She was about to tell this to Fen when Quentin arrived. His eyes immediately went wide and he put both his hands on the strap of his bag, clutching it tight. Julia went to him fast to try to stem the anxiety she could see brewing under the surface. She threw her arms around him and whispered, “Happy birthday, Q, I’m sorry this got a little out of hand.” 

“H-um… you did…,” Quentin squeaked, but as Julia pulled back he was starting to smile. “This is awesome, Jules. Thank you.”

Fen had been holding herself back. When she deemed that Julia and Quentin had had their moment, she pounced, throwing leis over Quentin and Julia’s heads simultaneously. “Happy birthday Quentin!”

“Thank you, Fen. Did you do all this?” 

“Of course not, _Julia_ did! I just helped out,” Fen said. She turned to Alice, who waved a little at Quentin when she noticed him looking over. “Put some music on!” 

“What kind?” Alice asked. 

“What kind, Quentin?” Fen asked.

“Um… what do you have?”

Quentin walked over to look at the CDs that Fen had lovingly arranged. Fen bounced on the balls of her feet, grinning at Julia. Julia gave her a soft smile. “Do you think he likes it? I hope he likes it! He’s such a nice guy.”

Julia hadn’t registered until just that second that Fen wasn’t holding her blanket bundle.

What was it about this that made Fen feel secure enough to put down her burden? Was it just so she could hold the leis? Was it the fact that she felt she was tangibly taking care of someone? Maybe that was some of what Fen needed: her heart had grown to make room for two and when her daughter had died it had left too much loving and caring and it had to be expelled in some way. Maybe being able to do so eased the pain in Fen’s heart. 

“He loves it,” Julia said. 

Fen squealed happily and ran off.

“This is a little bigger than I thought it’d be.”

Julia turned to see Kady standing at the doorway, arms crossed. She raised an eyebrow.

“Same here,” Julia chuckled. She turned to look where Fen, Quentin, and Alice were sorting through CDs and laughing about how old they were. “Look at her.”

“Who?”

“Fen.”

Kady tilted her head thoughtfully. Julia could see on her face the moment she noticed. “Her blanket…”

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t see it anywhere.”

“Yup.”

“Wow.”

Julia joined the group and Kady followed. It felt awkward to Julia at first, the five of them celebrating Quentin’s birthday in a sterile environment, a few paltry decorations and a trio of girls that neither she nor Quentin had known a few months previous. But Julia relaxed as Quentin did, mimicking her best friend’s body language and demeanor as Quentin got into a discussion about Egyptology with Alice (whose father was into that sort of thing). Quentin was having an easier time conversing with Alice and Fen than he had with most people outside of Julia, and Julia wondered if she’d seen him engage in social activities this fast since before they’d hit middle school. Julia had flourished in all levels of schooling but Quentin was far more shy and sensitive and she’d always had to drag him around to the various events and he’d never really quite fit, no matter how hard she wished he did. Was it weird that he was finding relating to girls in an institution so easy?

Did that really matter when Quentin’s face was wrinkled up in the biggest grin?

Victoria and Poppy popped in, curious at the commotion, and soon all the girls minus Marina were there, playing Pin the Tail with stickers on a poster of Donkey from Shrek that Fen had scavenged from somewhere, eating pieces of cake after Quentin had “blown out the candles” (having blown at unlit candles after an animated rendition of Happy Birthday that Poppy had enthusiastically started), and fighting with Alice over control of the music station (she hadn’t wanted the responsibility but it was the _principle_ of the thing). Julia found herself sitting between Fen and Victoria on the couch, talking about what clubs and after school activities they’d been a part of before coming to Brakebills. Julia was surprised that Fen had been part of a fencing club and Victoria was a theater geek that specialized in costuming and makeup.

It took Julia nearly a quarter of an hour to notice Quentin in the corner talking to Margo. The second she did, animalistic rage roared in her gut and she surged to her feet, making a beeline for the two of them. 

How dare that bitch fucking talk to her Quentin? How fucking _dare_ she?

Julia could feel herself losing control, but it didn’t matter to her as the hatred of Margo Hanson finally bubbled over her skull, soaking her head to toe.

Quentin saw her first, his smile at noticing her fading in confusion as he spotted the expression on her face. Margo’s own smile morphed into a snarl and she could see Margo reacting, see the girl bracing herself. Julia’s own body reacted, hands morphing into claws as she started to reach out to grab, to tear, to-

Kady was in front of her, putting her hands on Julia’s shoulders. “Stop.”

Julia didn’t reply with words. She didn’t know if she had words anymore. She snarled, her claws digging into Kady’s wrists. _Don’t touch me, don’t ever fucking-_

“Julia!” 

“Fuck off!” Julia snapped, trying to push by Kady to get to Margo, that fucking she-demon, liar, fucking evil liar- _I’m not a liar, I’m not a liar, it happened, it did, fuck you!-_ so she could finally tell Margo just how she fucking felt about her.

“You don’t want to do this!”

“I _know_ what I want to do, I can DO what I want to do, you can’t force me to do anything!” Julia shrieked, and then hands were on her shoulders and pulling her back and she felt like static filled her head, filled her whole self, why were people fucking _touching_ her?!

She lost track of time for a second, of where she was and what was happening. She nearly dropped her weight, but then someone (Kady?) was grabbing someone else and SHOVING them at her, and they nearly toppled Julia and the person grabbing her from behind. The weight made her nearly blank out, but then the smell of the person hit her.

_Quentin_.

Something to latch onto.

She grabbed him, her arms like a vice around his stomach, burying her face against his chest. “You smell the same,” she mumbled against him, trying to bury herself into his body, could she do that? There was safe.

“Julia, it’s okay. You’re okay.”

The hands had let go of her at some point and she was sitting on the couch now, nearly curled into Quentin’s lap. “Okay,” she said, because it felt like the right thing to say. She still felt like she was made of static, but the parts of her touching Quentin felt more solid, like she might be able to be un-static at any time now.

“Well, I guess the party’s over,” she heard Poppy say with a sigh.

“God, Poppy, could you _not_ right now?” Victoria snapped.

“What? We were having fun, even if it was vanilla as fuck.” 

“Shut the fuck up,” Fen said, and Julia almost giggled at how un-Fen it sounded.

“Julia?”

Julia groaned. She knew _that_ voice too. “Yeah?” she mumbled, looking at Eliza. Eliza stood over her and Quentin, a concerned look on her face. Julia felt about 70% solid now, but not solid enough to go talk to Eliza about what had just happened and her “feelings”.

Maybe Eliza saw that, because all Eliza did was smile at her and ask, “Is this the Quentin I’ve heard so much about?”

“Yeah.” 

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Quentin. I’ve heard you are quite an extraordinary boy.”

“Uh, thank you.”

Eliza beamed at Quentin before turning her attention towards Julia again. “Can you give me a scale of one to ten your anger right now?”

“…three?” Julia ventured. She wasn’t _sure_. It wasn’t _anger_ in the sense that Julia understood it. It was more than that, an all-consuming feeling that made her body move and her mind spin off its axis.

Eliza nodded even though Julia was _pretty_ sure she’d gotten the question wrong, and she hated getting questions _wrong_. “Do you know what triggered it?”

Julia’s eyes flicked around the room searching for Margo. The other girl had wisely vacated the room. “…no,” Julia lied.

She could tell Eliza didn’t believe her. She also knew that Quentin didn’t, but she wasn’t lying to _him_. She wasn’t interested in hiding the truth from him, but she couldn’t explain with Eliza around. Even if she wanted to blab that Margo was a manipulative liar, she couldn’t. Despite everything there was a part of her that wanted to believe what Marina and Kady had said, that the girls at Brakebills were a unit, there to help each other and protect each other. Even Margo. So while Julia could _personally_ attack Margo, throwing her to the wolves was out of the question.

Eliza sighed. “Right then, well, that’s a pity. How about we call it a day, shall we?”

Julia clung to Quentin tighter. She wasn’t sure if she was stable enough to manage without him, yet. If she let go she didn’t want to dissolve into the static. Should she have told the truth? Would Eliza have let him stay?

“Jules, wanna head back to our room?” Kady suddenly spoke. Julia’s eyes found Kady’s and she immediately felt that last percentage of her solidify. Julia nodded. 

She still held Quentin’s hand as she stood and he stood with her. “Sorry, Q. I’m really fucking sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Quentin rushed to reassure her. “I had a lot of fun. Thank you for putting this all on for me.”

Julia hugged Quentin tight and then reached under the table for the gift she’d stashed under it. “Here.”

“More? Julia, you shouldn’t have.”

“Take it home to open it, I shouldn’t push my luck,” Julia said, eying where Eliza and one of the staff were talking in hushed tones. “I hope you like it.” 

“I’ll like it.”

Quentin walked over to Kady with Julia and, after giving Kady a contemplative look, he held out the hand that was holding Julia’s for Kady to take. Kady’s eyes went wide and she took Julia’s hand from him. He didn’t say “look after her”, but the intention was clear. Julia felt at once embarrassed and extremely loved. 

“I’ll see you next week, Julia,” Quentin said, leaning in and giving Julia a quick peck on the cheek.

“See you, Q. Happy birthday.”

Kady led her out of the room before Julia had to see Quentin’s turned back. Walking away from him right now was much easier than seeing him walk away from her. It still sucked. 

“You pushed Quentin practically on top of me,” Julia said when they were most of the way back to their room.

“Yup.”

“How’d you know that would snap me out of it?”

“I didn’t, but I figured I didn’t have a whole lot to lose. You love that kid like he’s half of who you are, and I figure if part of you goes missing when you’re in that mode he might fill in that missing piece until you can reel it back in. Turned out to be worth taking the risk.”

“Thanks,” Julia said. She ducked her head. The problem with returning to herself was that the _shame_ could kick in. “It was his party. Why did I do that?” 

“Don’t do that. Trust me, he’s more worried about you than the party.”

“So now he gets to worry about me instead of celebrate his birthday,” Julia grumbled.

“That train has left the station, Jules. He worries about you already. At least this time he was around to help you out. As weird as it sounds, being around to help you out through something like that probably makes him feel _better_.”

“That’s stupid.”

“He wishes he could be there to save you. You gave him a chance to do just that. Happy birthday to Quentin.”

“Wow, Kady, that’s really fucked up.”

“Yeah, well. He’s a teenage boy who adores you. Let him have his white knight moment.”

It didn’t necessary make Julia feel better, but it was something.

.

If Julia and Margo had avoid each other before the party, after the party they pretended to not know the other existed. They didn’t make eye contact, they didn’t acknowledge when the other spoke in group, one girl would leave the room if the other entered. 

All of the girls, even young Fray, picked up on the tension between the two girls. They were all different, and some of them even hated each other, but they all covered for Julia and Margo in their own ways. Most of the girls would tell Julia or Margo if the other was around so they’d know where to avoid and they distracted staff and counselors from the awkwardness. It wasn’t about taking sides (though it was clear to everyone that Kady was on Julia’s side), it was about keeping the peace.

Julia tried not to be angry that some of the others clearly still liked Margo when she thought there was no reason they should. Alice made sense to Julia: Alice and Margo were roommates, Alice shouldn’t suffer a roommate she disliked. But why did _Fen_ like Margo? What possible redeemable qualities did Margo have? Julia didn’t know and Julia didn’t _want_ to know. 

On bad days, Julia wished Margo would know what it felt like to go through the lies she spewed. Then she’d _hate_ herself for thinking something so awful, because she would _never_ want that for anyone, not ever. They were dark thoughts, untrue thoughts, but they crossed her mind just the same and sent her into a self-loathing spiral. 

On those days she leaned on Kady even more. She didn’t mean to, dreaded the idea of being a burden to Kady, hated that she couldn’t just fucking take care of herself. Julia had always been self-reliant to a fault. She was talented and smart, and from a young age had not felt she could depend on her mother in any real capacity. She loved her sister, but giving Mackenzie the reins was not appealing in any way. As for her father… she hadn’t seen him in years, with him living in an institution not dissimilar to the one she was housed in now. The difference there being her mother planned to let _her_ leave.

Julia was the strong one, _she_ was the caregiver. She looked after Quentin, she took charge at school, she was the most responsible, capable person in her entire class. And now she was _dependent_ , like a fucking child, turning to others to take _care_ of her. It was an alien feeling, one she did _not_ like.

At least it was Kady. It made her feel slightly less weak and pathetic to be dependent on one of the toughest, take-no-prisoners people she had ever met. To put her trust in the badass that was Kady just seemed like a no-brainer.


	7. Chapter 6

It was fairly common for the girls to sneak around at night, nicking snacks from the fridge at midnight being the most common nightly escapade. Most things were locked up tight due to the risk of the girls hurting themselves or each other, but more than a handful of them knew how to pick locks and the most they ever did was open up the fridge and cabinet padlocks to get out some yogurt or milk and cereal, something innocuous. They knew the staff’s routines, which ones were lazy or slept when they were on an up-night shift, the ones who actually paid attention and had to be avoided, what nights to grab and go fast and which nights it was okay to loiter. 

Julia rarely went out to get snacks at night. She didn’t like sneaking around, didn’t like the feeling of fear that struck her bones when she heard a footfall she hadn’t been suspecting in the dark. Kady snuck out routinely to grab things and usually when Julia had a nightmare Kady had a bag of fruit gummies or a juice box on hand to give her.

As Julia got more comfortable, however, she began risking the nightly trips for the sake of feeling like she belonged, for the thrill of getting away with something with the girls she was meant to trust. Alice snuck around _a lot,_ she knew the ins and outs of the house even better than Kady and as it turned out she could pick a lock in three seconds flat if it was a model she was familiar with. Julia wound up sneaking around with Alice or Kady at night, sometimes joined by Victoria and Poppy, sometimes by Marina.

The night Julia ran into Margo, she was headed to the library with Kady. Kady was three minutes behind her, a timed interval to make the excuse “I got turned around going to the bathroom” more plausible. Margo and Julia nearly crashed into each other in the hallway as Julia snuck from the doorway of the dining room toward the safety of the library.

“Oh, it’s you,” Margo hissed as she rolled her eyes.

Julia was about to reply when Margo grabbed her and pulled her into the dining room, a hand over her mouth. Julia almost lost it before Margo breathed into her ear, “Madison, comes through the hall in twenty seconds. You haven’t come around to this area before at night?”

Julia glared at Margo. She had, just not often, and usually with Alice as a guide. Margo turned out to be right and they heard the heavy footsteps of the staff pass by the door and down towards the kitchen.

Margo let her go and the two girls sprang apart, eyeing each other.

“A thank you is traditional when someone saves your ass,” Margo said.

“I’m not going to thank _you_ ,” Julia replied.

“Shocker,” Margo drawled. “Whatever, I can go to bed knowing you owe me big time, I’m _thrilled_.” She smiled sarcastically at Julia and started to leave. 

“How could you be so heartless?” Julia blurted out.

“Excuse me?”

“You told everyone that you were kidnapped, but you weren’t. You were the mastermind of the crime you committed. You don’t know anything about being kidnapped.”

Margo’s nostrils flared and she pointed her finger at Julia’s chest as she said, “You don’t know the story, Julia, as much as you pretend to. And it’s none of your fucking business, so I don’t know why your tubes are all in a twist about it. You really should get that sorted out, you must have major cramps.”

“How dare you take that kind of trauma and claim it as your own!” Julia was still whispering, but her whispering was starting to rise in pitch and at any time it might become loud enough for a passing staff member to hear. “You’re taking the suffering of girls everywhere and using it as an excuse for your own shitty decisions!” 

“Hey, it ain’t like I’m doing something that no one has ever done before. So what if I’m pulling a Patty Hearst? It isn’t _hurting_ anyone.”

“Patty Hearst was really kidnapped, you bitch,” Julia snarled.

“ _Was_ she though?”

_Was she though? Were you though? Was it your fault? He got you, got you, got you, and it was your fault. You can’t unring a bell._

Julia’s hands wrapped around Margo’s neck. Or they were definitely moving in that direction before Margo dodged and kicked out with her bare foot, catching Julia in the calf. Julia didn’t feel it, didn’t even register it, as she dove for Margo again and elbowed her square in the sternum. Margo yelped in pain, but Julia was eerily silent as she continued her assault. She picked up the nearest thing to her, a chair, and swang it at Margo.

“Jesus fuck, Julia!” Margo yelled, eyes wide. “Get ahold of yourself!”

“Jules!” Kady yelled as she ran into the room. Julia swang the chair again, hitting Kady full in the side. Kady was knocked to the ground, clutching her arm.

“Julia, she’s your friend, you psycho!” Margo said, putting the dining room table between her and Julia.

Julia threw the chair as hard as she could across the table. Margo ducked, and in the time it took for her to right herself Julia was on her, tackling her to the ground and slapping her across the face, hitting her around the top of her arms and shoulders, still silent, eyes unseeing and wild. 

Arms scooped under her own and twisted inward so that her arms were pinned to her sides and hands were pressed against her back in a physical hold. She was pulled off Margo and her legs lashed out, her foot missing Margo’s nose by a hair. Big arms. Male arms.

No, no, no.

Julia had seen physical holds before, had seen Fray in plenty, but she’d never gotten into one herself. She twisted and kicked but the arms continued to pin hers. Julia dropped her weight and the arms followed as the person sat down behind her. She screamed at the top of her lungs, “LET ME GO, LET ME GO, YOU’RE NOT MY FUCKING GOD!”

“What is she saying?”

“No idea. Psychotic break?”

“She might have to be chemically restrained.”

Julia didn’t register the words, exactly, she was too far gone, but she could sense the intent, that she wasn’t getting away, and she struggled harder and harder.

“Shit, wait.”

“Don’t do that, just let her go.”

“She was assaulting her.”

“You’re making things worse.”

“Seriously, let _go_ of her.” 

“I’m fine, just take her to her room and away from me. You don’t have to inject her with anything, she’ll cool off.”

“See, if Margo even says let her go, she’s the one that Julia was attacking!”

“I’m not a fucking monster, Kady.”

“She isn’t calming down. Do it.” 

Something sharp jabbed into her arm. _Reynard was hurting her, hurting her, why, she’d escaped, **why**._

Her limbs went limp, she couldn’t hold her head up, the static swallowed her-

they were walking her down a hall

her feet weren’t cooperating

tripping

her chin hit her chest and stayed there, _lift up your head_

_lift_

_it_

“WAIT!” “She doesn’t need that!” “Why are you two still here? You’re supervision level is getting knocked all the way back to one if you don’t leave right now.” 

she was on a bed, Reynard’s bed, hands, wrists tied down, ankles tied down, let me go, let me go,

_let me die_  

When the darkness came, it was a relief.


	8. Chapter 7

Doctor Lipson liked having her office in the Key and Bee Cottage. It housed the girls thirteen to nineteen and it was always so _quiet_ in the mornings. Fray Berwald was usually the exception but even _she_ rarely woke up early enough to cause much of a ruckus before 7 AM. The teen boys were the same sleeping in, but Lipson wasn’t a big fan of them in a general sense and their building always _smelled_ funny. They were also so much more aggressive than the girls. The girls were scary with their razors and their threats, but Lipson rarely had to worry about a girl trying to punch her in the face. March could help himself to the office in _that_ building. And as for the adult building? Chaos all hours, even though Brakebills being a private facility meant they usually had less than a dozen residents in any given house. No, best to stay away from the Whitespire Cottage as long as possible and let Pickwick deal with that nonsense until she was called in.

The girls, they were a relative treat. Lipson knew how lucky she was to get her office there. She arrived at 5 every morning to get paperwork done that she should have done the day before, she brewed a pot of coffee, and she relaxed in her office until 7:30, when she got all the meds ready for distribution at 8. The group of girls living there now had about a fifty-fifty split of med takers/not med takers, and it was easy to get four cups of medicine ready a morning and putter around to hand them out. Mornings were awesome. 

Lipson froze at the threshold of her office door when she saw Margo Hanson and Kady Orloff-Diaz sitting there, waiting for her.

“Girls?” She asked, dreading what was coming. Nothing good. She was the first of the day staff on-site, which meant that Margo and Kady had waited for a day staffer to show up. They didn’t think they could go to an up-nighter. Very not good.

Margo turned to face her and Lipson got a view of her left cheek, which was bright red and purpling around the eye socket. Lipson couldn’t swear because she was a _professional_ , but internally she swore a string of expletives. Very very not good.

“Lipson!” Kady yelled, jumping to her feet and rushing her. “You have to help, it’s Julia.”

“Julia?” Lipson frowned. She’d heard about the debacle at visitor’s day, but other than that Julia had been a model client. She’d been worried, too, they’d never had a murderer on the Brakebills campus before, and she knew that all of the staff had been a bit edgy about it. But Julia had turned out to be a peach. What could have possibly happened? She looked at Margo’s eye. “Julia?”

Margo shrugged and Lipson could tell by the look on her face she was about to dig her heels in and lie, probably say it wasn’t Julia who had clocked her, but Kady ignored the second more pointed question of Julia and said, “They put her in one of the beds with the restraints.” 

_Shit cockfucking damn._ “They _what_?” Fucking night shift, these were newbies if Lipson remembered correctly. Hadn’t they read Julia’s file? Didn’t they know that tying her down to a bed was just about the _worst fucking thing_ they could do?? Oh god, they were going to get sued up the _ass_. “Show me.”

Kady and Margo led Lipson at a trot down to the seclusion rooms. They were hardly used these days, their clientele didn’t need them and the laws were changing around the state regarding isolation and restraints. Hell, Lipson had thought they’d gotten rid of that bed.

But no, there was Julia, staring at the ceiling with her ankles and wrists bound to the sides of the bed, her curly hair a halo around her head. “Shit,” Lipson said. Margo looked at her sharply.

Protocol said that her clinician needed to evaluate her before she was unrestrained but Eliza wouldn’t be in for at least another two hours and fuck it, they were all going to get fired anyway, so Lipson went in and undid the restraints on Julia’s arms and legs. Julia didn’t move. She hadn’t even acknowledged Lipson’s arrival.

“Julia?” Lipson asked. Julia didn’t speak, didn’t even glance at her. “Julia, I’m going to help you out of this bed, now. We’ll go back to your room, okay?” Lipson wished she’d had more interactions with the girl, but Julia wasn’t on any medication and had just come in at the start of her stay for the routine physical. Looking at Julia now, Lipson wondered if Julia might have benefited from an anti-psychotic or anti-depressant, something to have stopped this. 

Lipson took Julia’s hand to help her sit up. Julia’s fingers didn’t close around hers. “Fuck,” she said. 

“Can we help?” Kady said from the doorway. Lipson turned. Kady and Margo were standing in the doorframe, looking afraid to enter.

“Let me take it from here.”

Margo nodded and started to leave, but Kady didn’t budge. Margo looked at Kady, bit her lip, and said, “I hope she feels better,” before fleeing down the hallway and out of sight.

“I want to help,” Kady said stubbornly.

Lipson sighed. “You’re her roommate?”

Kady nodded.

“Fine. Go get her a change of clothes for me?" 

“A change of…?”

“You said you wanted to help,” Lipson snapped, not interested in explaining that Julia had wet the bed at some point in the night.

Kady’s eyes flickered to Julia and she looked like she might protest again before she nodded and ran off.

“Come on, let’s sit up, honey,” Lipson coaxed. Julia barely looked like she was breathing. Lipson leaned down to listen, just to make sure. She was breathing but it was slow.

Lipson reached over Julia and grabbed her other hand and with great effort hauled Julia into a seated position. Julia’s head lolled forward.

“They injected her with something.”

Kady was back with a pair of pjs. Clearly the girl was motivated, getting back so quickly.

“When did all this happen?”

“Around twelve, twelve thirty.”

“It would have worn off by now, enough so that this isn’t a result of the sedative,” Lipson said.

Kady scowled, her hands balling into fists.

“That’s not helpful right now, Pouty McFighty,” Lipson said. God, she did not have her nurse mask ready. “Come here and help me get her standing.” 

Kady walked forward as Lipson worked to swing Julia’s legs over the side of the bed. She got on one side and Lipson stood at the other. “Gentle, now. She should be able to walk on her own at this point, but don’t let her fall.” 

“I won’t,” Kady snapped.

“ _Good_ ,” Lipson said back.

With effort, the two of them got Julia on her feet. Lipson noticed the instant Kady smelled urine with the girl’s nose wrinkled involuntarily. “Bathroom first. We’ll help her get there so she can shower and change, then we’ll get her back to your room. Sound good?”

Kady didn’t reply, just started walking. Lipson huffed. At least Kady was trying.

They got to the bathroom quite easily given the circumstances, but once there Julia didn’t move on her own, just leaned against them and stood there. “Go on, Julia, you can do it,” Lipson urged. Not a peep. 

“Can I… maybe I can help her?” Kady asked.

“That’s highly inappropriate,” Lipson said.

“What happened was highly inappropriate,” Kady snarled. “Look, thank you for your help. But I’m not leaving her side and she clearly can’t do this on her own right now. What’s the worst that could happen? I’d never hurt her, and as far as I see it you’re in the least amount of hot water here. I can help you keep it that way. Just let me _help_ her.”

Lipson wanted to believe that the threat wasn’t what made the decision for her, that she was still an empathetic person after working here for so long, but the threat was certainly convincing.

“Go on,” Lipson said. “Quick about it. I’ll keep people from bothering you and make a few calls.”

“Get them fired,” Kady said.

“Oh, sweetie,” Lipson said, ducking under Julia’s arm and smiling without humor. “That’s at least third on my list of things to do here.”

Kady’s smile matched hers in mirth and the two girls disappeared into the bathroom.

“Motherfucking shit balls.”

.

Kady walked Julia into that bathroom like she knew what she was doing, but the instant the door shut behind them she started to panic. What did she do now? Did she fucking undress Julia Wicker? Was she expected to _bathe_ her? That was not going to happen. What would the staff do, in this situation? She had no idea. The staff on shift had fucked up _bad_. Had they missed the part where when Julia was in a certain type of way she could _kill_?

Kady wasn’t scared of Julia hurting her. She was scared of hurting Julia more than she’d already been hurt.

Neither of them moved. Julia stared down at the floor. Kady looked around the room, desperately hoping somehow she’d be given a clue what to do next.

“Hey, um, so do you want me to… help you out of your clothes?”

No answer. She hadn’t really expected one.

“Okay,” Kady said to the room. “Okay.” Kady led Julia farther into the bathroom. It was one of the smaller bathrooms at Brakebills but it was still bigger than the one Kady had grown up with, the shower, toilet, and sink all given enough room so that you weren’t tripping over the toilet trying to get out of the shower. There was a paper tower dispenser but no towels. They weren’t left around willy-nilly. Kady would have to ask Lipson to grab her a towel. That was something to start with. Kady made sure that Julia wouldn’t collapse to the floor without her support and when she’d done that, she went to the door and opened it briefly to ask for the towel. Lipson was on the phone and gave her a nod rather than verbal confirmation. Kady waited at the door and blessedly Lipson returned within a minute, towel thrust out before her as she yelled into the phone about Brakebills “ass being grass”.

Julia hadn’t moved since Kady had left her in the middle of the room. Kady slung the towel over her shoulder. “Hey, so, I don’t know what I’m doing Jules. I really don’t. But I’m gonna try my best here. So I’ll tell you what I’m doing before I do it, and if you want this towel is here and you can hold it up for your privacy…”

Kady took a deep breath once, and then a second time, and then she started to pull Julia’s pajama top over her head, saying, “First I’m helping you out of your top”. Julia’s arms went up to let the shirt get taken off her without complaint and Kady flinched, wondering where Julia was at in her head and wondering if she thought Kady was someone else…

Kady knew that Fray had to take all her showers in bathing suits because of how young she was and liability, but the older girls were expected to be able to take care of their own hygiene and as such didn’t need to wear bathing suits. Kady wished they did, though, because that would make helping Julia shower way easier.

Julia lifted her feet to get off her pajama bottoms and her underwear and Kady held up the towel with one hand as she helped with the other. She saw flashes of Julia’s bare skin but did her utmost to give Julia a privacy that she had been deprived of during her captivity. Kady noticed a scar around one of Julia’s ankles for the first time and Kady had to swallow her nausea. The staff had replicated Julia’s deepest traumas, it was no wonder part of Julia had broken. 

Kady turned on the taps, careful to keep the towel between them and not get it wet, which resulted in Kady getting half of her right arm soaked. She stepped back and nudged Julia toward the shower. “This part’s all you, girl. Sorry.” 

Julia didn’t move for a few minutes and Kady was starting to think that Julia wouldn’t, but then Julia took a step, then another, and then she was in the shower. Kady pulled the curtain closed and breathed out a sigh of relief. She didn’t know if Julia would be exactly thorough, but that wasn’t on the top of Kady’s worries right now.

A wave of exhaustion hit Kady. She’d held it at bay for as long as possible but it nearly knocked her feet out from under her. She crackled her neck and rolled her shoulders, anything to help her stay awake. When that didn’t work, she started to sing under her breath.

She wasn’t sure, but she thought Julia might have reacted on the other side of the curtain.

Kady paused. A series of memories flooded her brain. When her mom was so out of it she couldn’t stand, she could barely move, sometimes a young Kady would sit by her and sing. Sometimes her mom would smile. More often than not nothing happened, but Kady lived for those smiles.

What was the worst that could happen? Kady wasn’t good at much else, but she knew she was good at singing. And sometimes it made people _smile_.

Kady started to sing the chorus of Hallelujah, having forgotten how the song started, before she doubled back after finishing the chorus as the start came back to her. Then she sang Let It Be, All I Need Is The Girl, and was halfway through Blackbird when the water turned off and Kady threw up the towel, startled into remembering where she was.

Kady risked peeking over the towel to see Julia’s eyes looking directly at her. They were still distant in an unfamiliar way, one that made Kady’s heart clench, and Julia didn’t say anything, just stared.

She was at least moving on her own again. But Kady remembered how Julia had described her actions at the mall, the way she’d been completely silent, working on instinct. Was this that again? Was Julia trapped somewhere between fight or flight, ready for a flicker of movement to tell her which one to do with no ability to function between?

She remembered vaguely Sunderland talking about that happening with Fray, something like the most basic part of the brain firing off and shutting down all the rest, turning Fray’s brain into functionally a big old lizard brain. No nuance, nothing but kill or be killed.

Very slowly Kady held out the towel. Julia stepped forward but didn’t take it. After a moment’s hesitation, Kady wrapped it around Julia tightly. She rubbed Julia’s arms through the towel, remembering that her mom did that sometimes. “There you go.” Julia closed her eyes for a beat and Kady wasn’t sure but she thought Julia might have rocked forward on the balls of her feet to lean into her. But then she was pulling back, eyes flickering around the room, always flicking back to Kady every other second. She moved around Kady, making a beeline for her clothing, which Kady hadn’t mentioned. She must have noticed them when she’d been scanning the room for danger.

“Do you need help?”

Julia ignored her question and pulled on her underwear, then let her towel slip off entirely as she pulled on her pajamas. Kady’s eyes shot to the ceiling.

“Okay. Lipson said we can go back to our room.”

Julia waited. Kady realized she was waiting for Kady to open the door first. So she could shut it again if she didn’t like what she saw out there? 

Kady opened the door. Lipson was still on the phone, but this call was much calmer in nature than the other one she’d heard. She pulled her phone from her ear as the girls emerged. “Julia, can I ask you some-”

Julia walked right past her, movements strangely languid as she scanned her surroundings for threats. Kady followed her.

They made it back to their room and Julia immediately grabbed the glass of water that had been at Kady’s bedside and drank it down. Kady lingered by the door, uncertain. She didn’t want to invade Julia’s space or make any sudden movements. Julia seemed to be ignoring her, but Kady could tell Julia’s peripheral vision was always on her.

Julia got into her bed and curled up, her back to the wall, her knees nearly touching her chest.

Kady slowly entered and started getting into her own bed. She wasn’t going to question Julia right now, not when Julia was acting so un-Julia. Maybe she would sleep it off… 

“You can’t unring a bell.”

Kady turned to Julia, who was looking at her with those blank eyes. 

“What?”

Julia’s damp hair was already starting to soak her pillow, but Julia didn’t seem to notice. “You can’t unring a bell,” Julia repeated, her voice rusty and quiet.

“What does that mean?”

Julia didn’t reply. Her eyes drifted closed. 

Kady doubted that Julia would sleep until she was sure Kady was asleep, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that this was some sort of test. She didn’t like it, but what else was she going to do?

Kady closed her eyes and tried her best to fall asleep.


	9. Chapter 8

Julia wasn’t back to normal the next day, or the next. She wandered the halls like a ghost, Kady trailing in her wake. She didn’t sit down for group, didn’t go into the dining room for meals, didn’t talk to a single person. Fen had tried to approach her once and Julia had just stared at her, muscles tight and face blank. Fen had clutched her blanket bundle snug to her chest and said, “Anything you need, Julia, really.” Julia hadn’t replied. 

Julia spent her days walking around the campus one second, finding a corner to read in or sleep in the next. Kady would sit with her when she curled up in some nook with a book in her lap and Julia didn’t seem to mind, even pretended to ignore her. But Kady knew that Julia always knew exactly where everyone was in relation to herself. Her guard wasn’t down even a single second when she was awake. When she was asleep she was still tense.

Julia didn’t seem to remember when visitor’s day was because she didn’t head to the front to greet Quentin. Kady had to enlist Alice’s help to have her grab him and bring him to the library, where Julia had stationed herself under one of the tables and made a fort with only one entrance. Kady sat on top of the table. She’d started worrying less about having eyes on Julia constantly, but still liked knowing exactly where Julia was. When Quentin walked in followed by Alice and a staff member, he found Kady sitting crosslegged on top of a table and no sign of Julia.

“Um, where’s-”

Kady put a finger to her lips and then pointed down at the fort.

“She’s-”

“Not doing so hot,” Alice supplied. Kady glared at her. Not that it was untrue, but hearing it said aloud made Kady feel instantly defensive of Julia. 

Quentin clutched the strap of his bag and started toward the table. Kady’s first instinct was to stop him, protect Julia from him, but this was what she had wanted in the first place so she let him crouch down by the entrance of the fort.

“Jules?"

There was a rustle of movement and then Julia was launching herself out of her fort, wrapping her arms around Quentin’s neck in a hug before she started half pulling, half scooting him into the fort with her. Kady watched as Quentin disappeared. A few moments later his bag was tossed out and skittered across the floor, almost spilling its contents.

Kady sat sentry for nearly an hour before Quentin crawled out again. He tried to stand and wobbled, wincing as the blood rushed back into his limbs.

“Did she say anything to you?” Kady had to ask.

Quentin seemed startled that she was still there and he jumped a few inches when he heard her voice. “Not really,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking back towards the fort. “She just said she was glad I was here, and then she basically fell asleep on me. She pushed me out shortly after she woke back up. But she said, “See you next week” as she did, so… so I guess she’s…” Quentin trailed off. The heartbreak on his face lingered before it morphed into something hard, something Kady had ever seen on Quentin’s face. “What the FUCK happened?”

Kady didn’t sugarcoat it. She wasn’t sure if Julia would have told him so bluntly what had happened, but Julia wasn’t really talking anyway and Kady had never been so gentle. By the end of the story Quentin was nearly green with horror. “They did that to her?”

“I think they got fired. I haven’t seen them since. Eliza comes to check in with Julia every so often, but Julia just walks off when she does or ignores her until she goes away. Nobody really knows what to DO here, Quentin. If anybody knows how to get her out of this, it’s you.”

Quentin shook his head. “I’ve never seen her like this before. I know her better than I know anyone and this side of her is a _stranger_ to me. I don’t even know where to begin.” He started to pace a little. “Julia is- she’s all about control, and knowing what’s going to happen and how things work and _who she is_. When she loses any kind of control _at all_ she fights it tooth and nail, and usually she gets it all back.”

He stopped pacing to look Kady square in the eye. “Maybe start there. Give her control back. I don’t really know how you’d do that, but it’s all I’ve got. Meanwhile, can you give her this from me?” Quentin pulled out a book from his bag, a well-loved copy of a fantasy novel Kady didn’t recognize. “It’s her favorite book from our favorite series.”

“Sure,” Kady said as she took the book.

“I’ll be back the second I can be,” Quentin said earnestly, looking back towards the fort. “I’ll bring her stuff, lots of stuff. I wish I could stay.”

“You’ve given me more to work with than I had an hour ago, Q. That’s gotta be enough for now.”

Quentin sighed. “It doesn’t _feel_ like enough.”

“Nothing ever does.” 

.

The table wasn’t huge, but it had enough room under it for Julia to spread out on her back, her toes near the entrance and her head at the end of her fort. She didn’t like the idea of people grabbing her by the ankle to pull her out, but it was a better option than pulling her out by her hair.

Julia listened as Kady started telling Quentin what had happened, chewing on the side of her thumb in thought. She’d been listening for days, just paying attention to what people were doing and where they were. She wasn’t _safe_ here, that had been made clear, and she was not going to let her guard down again. As days had gone by she hadn’t started acting like herself again, but her mind had cleared up some. She recognized the way that Kady was trailing her, the way that Fen and Alice and Victoria were all trying to treat her gently. That stuff _mattered_ but didn’t ease the knowledge that Brakebills would strap her to a bed and inject her with drugs, if they could.

Fray had been the one to figure out how to best help Julia out, which shouldn’t have surprised anyone. In a way, Fray was most like Julia when Julia’s survival brain kicked in. The afternoon after the restraint, Fray had stopped at the end of a hall that Julia was walking down, bared her teeth, and then held out a candy bar. Julia had snatched it as she’d walked by and stuffed it in her pocket. Word got around, and Fen started giving her granola bars, trail mix, lots of portable stuff. Alice, ever practical, had given her a bottle of water and a bottle of Gatorade.

Reynard had kept her fed enough to keep her marginally healthy and sometimes he’d left her without food for days at a time. Julia needed to know she wasn’t going to starve or go thirsty. Moving, finding safe spaces, and food were her top priorities.

Julia pulled out a Snickers bar and munched on it as she listened to Kady reaching the end of the story. Quentin hadn’t spoken in a while but Julia could picture the look on his face pretty well. Horrified, saddened, devastated. Poor Quentin. 

What would he have done if he had seen her like Kady had seen her? Helpless, strapped to a bed, catatonic. She remembered the whole ordeal in slices, like she was looking through a View-Master, clicking the shutter down and seeing a scene at a time. Julia did _not_ like that she didn’t remember the whole thing from start to finish. What had happened in the missing slices?

Kady got one thing wrong. The staff hadn’t been fired. Not both of them. She had heard while she was doing all her listening. One had, but the other had been transferred to the boy’s cottage. Which meant that of the three people that had tied her to a bed in her lifetime one was fired, one was dead, and one was 75 yards away in another building. Just waiting to get her. 

She finished the Snickers and tucked the wrapper under one of the “walls” of her fort, a couch pillow she’d stolen from the rec room. The conversation was winding down outside her fort. Quentin had been talking about how Julia needed control and she almost laughed. That was an understatement. Losing control short-circuited her, and that was for _small_ things. Mundane things. Losing control over her whole fucking _life_? Well, the results weren’t pretty as anyone could see. 

Julia put her hands on the underside of the table and pushed a little, then curious she rolled onto her knees and put her shoulder against the underside and pushed up again, just enough to see if Kady was still sitting on the table or not. It didn’t shift, which meant she was. She flopped back onto her back, thinking about that. Kady had followed her around for days now. What did that mean, exactly? Kady cared about her, Julia had known that, but this went _beyond_ caring didn’t it? The only other person she could think of who would do that was Q.

She let her fingers brush against the bottom of the table again, the wood catching her skin every so often. It was a nice table but the bottom wasn’t completely finished. Same as the table she had back home, the one with the Fillory map. She missed that table. If she had it, she’d hide under it forever and wouldn’t have to keep wandering around looking for a new safe space. 

An idea struck like lightning and she crawled out of her fort. “Quentin!”

“He’s gone, Jules. Just left,” Kady said.

Julia frowned and said more urgently, “Quentin!”

The emotion behind her words must have been more than she’d expressed in a while because Kady hopped off the table. “I’ll get him,” she said, and she took off, yelling “Alice! Fen!” as she went, presumably to get their help stopping Quentin from leaving.

Julia kicked out the pillows so that there was light under the table. They would need light.

Kady ran back a few minutes later, dragging Quentin by the collar. Julia smiled fondly at his befuddled look. Control. Julia could use some control. 

“Jules, are you okay?” he asked, skidding to his knees.

Julia gave him a quick hug to reassure him before she pointed up at the table’s underside. “Will you help me out?”

The understanding was instantaneous on his face. “Do you have crayons?”

“Kady, can you get us crayons? And pastels?” Julia asked. It was the first fully formed sentence that Julia had addressed towards Kady since the morning after she’d been restrained. Kady’s eyes widened in shock.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Do you want it to be the same as your other one?” Quentin asked.

“Yeah. Maybe with upgraded art.”

Her voice was ragged from so little use in the last few days, but she was speaking again and she was speaking in full sentences. She’d had the power to speak but it hadn’t felt so simple. Now words were coming easier.

Kady returned with Fen, Alice, and a tub of crayons and pastels. “Art supplies kind of piles up around here,” Alice said by way of explanation.

“Okay,” Julia said. Fen and Alice looked just as surprised as Kady had.

Quentin and Julia started work on their map but realized quickly they wouldn’t be able to fill up the bottom of this table with a map of Fillory like the one she had at home. This table was twice the size of the other.

“Do you want to add Loria and the seas?”

Julia didn’t like that idea. She knew her map, knew it by heart, and adding new things made her anxious. “No.”

She turned to where Alice, Fen, and Kady were talking quietly in some of the library’s big lounge chairs. “Do you want to draw?”

Kady started walking towards them even before Julia was finished speaking. When Julia was done she pulled up to a stop. “What?”

“Will you come draw?” Julia asked, changing her question.

“Sure!” Fen said, bouncing up and grabbing handfuls of crayons. “Just anything?”

“Maybe with Alice and Kady, together?” Julia said, suddenly uncertain of her offer.

Fen just nodded enthusiastically. “Okay! We’ll come up with something awesome.”

Julia nodded once before returning to her work with Quentin. It was a painstaking replica of their earlier work and the art was not much improved at all. Neither Julia or Quentin was a natural artist, though Julia did do well with rulers and compasses and making diagrams and models. Freehand though, Julia wasn’t amazing. There was something comforting in the fact that the art was so recognizable, though, because it made her feel safe, like she was at home under her and Q’s table.

Julia and Quentin didn’t talk much as they drew, focused on getting it right. They reminded each other of excerpts from the books as they drew a specific landmark, reminisced about their favorite parts, and that was about it.

Halfway through drawing a unicorn, Quentin said, “You know that girl you fought, the one you don’t like?”

Julia tensed and stopped drawing. “Yeah?”

“That’s what we were talking about, at my party. Fillory. She’s a fan.” Quentin looked at Julia and gave her a smile and a shrug. “Maybe you could talk about Fillory with her.”

Julia frowned and kept working on Ember’s Tomb, not answering.

The thought was a weevil in her ear, crawling in and trying to eat its way to her brain. Margo liked Fillory? How could someone evil like Fillory? Fillory was _good_. It was for _good_ people.

They finished after about an hour and Julia finally crawled over to look at what the other girls had been working on.

It was gorgeous. Their art styles were so different and yet together worked beautifully. Jagged edges, geometrically pleasing shapes, flowing lines, all twining together to make-

“Brakebills?”

It was Brakebills, but it wasn’t Brakebills. Their cottage, the Key and Bee Cottage, was huge, beautiful sweeping lines making almost a castle, turrets and spires and gardens surrounding. The administration building was little more than a shack towards the front of the table, the two other cottages small little buildings on the perimeter. Julia had never thought of Brakebills as looking so stunning.

“Why Brakebills?”

“It’s our home, isn’t it?” Fen said, hopping a little on her butt. “For now. It’s where we all met. It keeps us safe.”

Julia scowled. “It didn’t keep me safe.”

Fen’s smile faded. “We know, Julia,” Alice said, stumbling over the words. “We’re so sorry that happened to you. That doesn’t mean-”

“That doesn’t mean _we_ won’t keep you safe,” Kady said gruffly. Fen nodded and Alice gave Julia a serious look. “If it comes down to it, Jules, you’re our friend and we want to help you. As shitty as Brakebills can be, we all wound up here.”

“I was going insane before you got here,” Alice confided, ducking her head so that a lock of hair fell into her face and partially hid her. “Cooped up, pissed off. You have the same interests as me and I started to feel less crazy with you here.”

“We all benefit from you being here, Julia,” Fen said. “We want you to benefit from being here, from _us_ being here, too.”

Julia watched them all carefully, looking for a lie, or some sort of trick to get her to drop her guard and open herself up to attack. This… wasn’t that.

Julia didn’t know what to say. Her words were back but they weren’t steady, so all she did was nod once before climbing out from under the table. The girls exchanged glances, looking uncertain, but then Julia reached down to help Quentin out. She gave him a tight hug. “Thank you,” Julia said, her grip tight around his waist. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

Quentin hugged her back.

After he left Julia climbed back under the table. The other three girls climbed out to give her space.

“Do you want these put back?” Kady asked as she picked up one of the couch cushions.

“No. I like the light.”


	10. Chapter 9

Julia didn’t bounce back, far from it. She had multiple backslides, nonverbal mornings or afternoons, taking people’s food without asking, running away from staff, and throwing things at people. She was quick to anger, quicker to defense, and she held a distrust for the staff that lingered. Sunderland started making sure that female staff were assigned to Julia. That helped.

Julia started going to back group and eventually started participating again. She talked about how the restraint had made her feel, how she felt like she couldn’t trust anything or anyone, why she’d acted the way she had. None of the girls had judged her much, though Marina had rolled her eyes and Poppy had asked why she’d taken it out on them and not just the staff.

Sunderland had forced a conflict resolution between Julia and Margo. Margo had put on a big smile and lied through her teeth and Julia had done her best to do the same. Julia had bigger enemies these days than a girl who had saved her life in a way that Julia didn’t like. She didn’t remember details of that night, but she remembered that Margo had tried to get the staff to let her go, and for that Julia was willing to put down the grudge.

.

Julia was out in the garden one day with her head in Fen’s lap, letting the other girl braid her hair as Victoria and Fray worked on “the world’s biggest daisy chain” a few yards away. It was one of the few times Kady wasn’t at Julia’s side and Julia missed her reassuring presence, but she’d told the other girl she was fine so that Kady could have some time to herself for once. Julia kept closing her eyes to try to relax and let the movements of Fen’s fingers sooth her, but she couldn’t keep her eyes closed for long before she had to open them to check for danger. The darkness behind her eyes did not offer comfort.

Fen had stopped carrying around her empty bundle recently and Julia hadn’t asked why, but now they were alone Julia ventured, “Fen… where’s your blanket?”

Fen’s fingers stilled. Julia wanted to take it back but the Fen started braiding again. “I suppose, these days, my hands have better things to do than carry around an empty blanket. They’ve been baking and making and drawing and braiding.” When Fen said the word “braiding” she tugged one of Julia’s locks gently, making Julia laugh. “Having things to do now, people to help out, it makes me feel… whole again. In a way a blanket never did.”

Fen smoothed a stray lock out of Julia’s face. “I worry about what will happen when I don’t have you and Alice and Margo to take care of…” Julia forced herself not to react in surprise to Margo’s name: she knew that Fen and Margo were friends, but she had been able to ignore that fact because she was rarely in a room with Margo at the same time. Hearing Fen mention herself and Margo in the same sentence was jarring. Fen didn’t notice anything off because she let out a nervous laugh and continued, “But that’s not something I should dwell on. I’ll just have to find other people to look after.”

“I hate to break it to you, Fen, but you’re stuck with me,” Julia said. Fen beamed at this and leaned down to kiss Julia’s forehead. Julia didn’t tense, didn’t even flinch, and she was more shocked by this than Fen’s spontaneous act of intimacy. 

“I’m glad to hear that!” Fen said as she sat back up and finished one of Julia’s braids. “Though I’m fairly certain you’ll get tired of me out in the real world! I’m not as interesting as you are, genius overachiever.”

“I could never find you boring, dork,” Julia said. “Not any of you. Not even Poppy.”

“I should think _especially_ not Poppy.”

Julia smiled and shook her head. “Personally I don’t find Poppy interesting. I find _you_ interesting, because you try and you try again, and you’re kind and sweet through all your heartache. Poppy doesn’t try, she decides that she is how she is, and if she’s static and doesn’t _change_ when she should for her own sake, that’s boring.”

“I don’t get it,” Fen said, though she was glowing from Julia’s praise. “But thank you.”

Julia looked over towards where Fray was holding in anger at the fact that part of her chain had snapped and Victoria was trying to fix it. “See. Even Fray is trying to change.” 

“Do you want Kady to change?”

Julia’s head turned too fast and Fen lost her grip on the hair she’d already braided. “What?”

Fen’s eyes danced with mischief at Julia’s reaction. “You say people changing is good. Do you want Kady to change, too? It kind of seems like you like her the way she is.”

“I want her to be happy.”

“Yeahhhhhh, and you want her to stay fierce and badass and a secret softy,” Fen teased.

“Okay okay, shhhh,” Julia said, her hands over her face as she squirmed with embarrassment.

“Julia, you need to _get on_ that.”

“What? No! Don’t be ridiculous,” Julia said.

“Yes!” 

“I don’t want to ruin anything between us.”

“Girl, you two are unreal. Have you seen the way she looks at you?”

It took Julia a second to process what Fen was implying. “You think she likes me?”

“Duh!” Fen cackled, finishing off Julia’s second braid. “You’re so cute, the both of you. Head over heels and totally don’t even realize it’s the same for the other one. Do you see Kady following anyone else around twenty-four seven?” 

“No but… she’s my friend, I know she cares.” Julia sat up on her elbows. “Quentin would do the same.”

“And does Kady seem anything at ALL like Quentin?” Fen raised an eyebrow and smirked. “I’ve told you now, so you can do what you want with the info. But I hope you take the leap, because I think you two would be adorable.” 

Fen stood and dusted off her butt before offering Julia a hand. “Now come on, I bet Kady’s already waiting for you at in the dining room.”

Julia wordlessly took Fen’s offered hand and followed, deep in thought. As Fen had suspected, Kady was there waiting. 

.

Julia carried on as usual even after Fen told her that Kady might like her, or she tried anyway. She was hyperaware of their proximity at all times now and whenever Kady was touching her Julia was aware of every inch of skin that was in contact with Kady. She wasn’t sure if she sought out the contact more or less than she always had but it _felt_ like they were constantly touching.

Julia didn’t hate it, not one bit.


	11. Chapter 10

Julia was curled up in the corner of one of the group therapy couches, her feet tucked in Kady’s lap and her cheek in the crook of her elbow as she listened to Victoria talk about her discharge date coming up at the end of the week. She was smiling as Victoria talked, happy for her and sad to see her go, when suddenly she was overwhelmed with an emotion she couldn’t quite name. Her chest felt tight and heavy, her shoulders tightened, her feet burned where they touched Kady. Whether it was fear, anger, determination, some mix of the three, Julia couldn’t quite say, but when there was a pause in the conversation she found herself blurting out, “It was my fault.”

Everyone’s eyes burned like lasers.

“What was that, Julia?”

Julia wanted them to look away, she wanted Kady to block her ears. But Kady should know, they all should. It was way past time they knew her kidnapping was her fault. 

“It’s my fault, everything. 

Sunderland leaned forward. “Well, let’s expand on that. Why was what happened to you your fault?”

Julia looked at Sunderland because she was easiest to look at. Not her equal, not her friend, a woman who wanted to help her but was far enough apart from her that it was okay to look into her eyes and avoid the eyes of the girls around her.

“He wasn’t some stranger. I met him online.”

Julia felt Kady react to that and Julia had to get away from that reaction, so she pulled her feet out of Kady’s lap. Sunderland hadn’t reacted outwardly and that helped, so Julia went on. “He said he was a college student at Yale. He said he went to Columbia and transferred, which is what I want to do. Obvious, now, that was a lie to get me to talk to him.”

Julia started pinching the spandex of her leggings, pulling it up and letting it go, up and down up and down, again and again. “I was pretty confident in what I had going into my own application, but Quentin… I wanted to make sure he went with me. I was going to all these boards and asking for advice and Reynard message me. Called himself Richard. He gave me advice, told me all this amazing stuff about Columbia, and then we started talking about more than college.”

Julia started to pinch skin as she pulled at her leggings. “It sounds so fucking stupid when I say it out loud. I thought he was a 22-year-old talking to me, some sixteen-year-old hopeful. He said all the right things, how grown up I seemed, how smart I was, how pretty.” She pinched skin this time and held. “I’m supposed to be some fucking genius and I fell for the most basic grooming in the goddamn world. 

“Julia-”

“Stop.”

“Julia, you need to hear-”

“ _No_. Let me get this out. Please.” Julia looked at Sunderland desperately, her fingernails still digging into her skin.

A hand reached out and gently wrapped around her wrist. Kady’s hand. Julia didn’t dare look at Kady’s face and she kept her eyes fixed on Kady’s fingers and the chipped nail polish against pale skin. “Keep going, Julia, but could you stop hurting yourself?”

Julia bit her lip but gave a jerky nod. Kady let go of her wrist.

Julia continued to stare at only Sunderland. “I had a boyfriend, but he was a high school boy and I was flirting with a _college_ student. I felt so cool, so above my peers. I didn’t tell anyone, not even Q. Reynard asked to meet and I said yes. I knew it was stupid but I did it anyway because I thought I was so special and smart, nothing bad could _possibly_ happen. Well it did. It fucking did, and it was my fault, and I’m the world’s biggest moron.”

“Everyone makes mistakes.”

Julia bit out a bitter laugh. “Not every mistake lands a girl in a basement being tortured by a sadistic rapist.”

“No, that’s true. But Julia, you can’t continue that torture out _here_ by telling yourself you’re to blame. Reynard did what he did because he was a predator and saw you as a target. And you survived because you are a smart, capable girl who fought for your life.” 

“Julia, just because you’re a genius doesn’t mean other people can’t _trick_ you,” Alice said. “It’s okay to not know _everything_. He was older than you and he knew just what to say, you said so yourself.”

“Cunning like a fox,” Fray supplied as she twirled one of her shoelaces. “Humans can be like that. Tricky, dirty foxes.”

“What I think Fray is trying to say,” Fen began, ignoring the huff of indignation and muttered “I _said_ what I was trying to say” from Fray as she continued, “Is that you’ve seen some of the worst of humanity and the way that people can lie and abuse you. It’s not your fault that people can be cruel, and not your fault you fell victim to it. Okay?” 

“Okay,” Julia replied automatically, though she didn’t believe it completely. Their words chipped at the wall of self-hatred and guilt she’d built up around herself like a prison. She felt like she couldn’t accept all the compassion and understanding, like she didn’t deserve the outpouring of support and love when she had fallen into the trap.

“You’re not _better_ than anyone else, Julia,” Marina said. She waved off the murmurs of anger starting to brew and the shrewd look Sunderland sent her way. “What I mean is, you’re still a kid, and he was an adult. Not only an adult, a predator looking for prey just like you. He was _always_ gonna know what to do and say to get a kid to fall for his tricks. He had the experience and the social intelligence you didn’t. When you’re an adult, you’ll be able to lure a kid into your sex dungeon, no problem.”

“Marina, _enough_ ,” Sunderland snapped. “That was completely uncalled for.”

Marina shrugged and crossed her arms. Julia glared at Marina and hated that Marina’s words were making sense. 

“Fuck you,” Kady growled.

“I get what you’re trying to say, but come on,” Margo grumbled.

Julia hadn’t expected Margo of all people to stand up for her. Julia sent Margo a tentative smile. She wasn’t sure Margo saw it because Margo was pointedly looking down at her nails. 

“I think you were trying to be nice,” Julia said slowly, locking eyes with Marina. Marina’s lips tilted up in amusement. “You failed, just so you know. But you were trying. Thanks for that.” Julia stretched her legs so her feet were back in Kady’s lap. Kady pulled Julia’s feet in snuggly and Julia smiled to herself, not quite ready to look Kady in the face yet. “I think I forget I’m not an adult because of my intellect. Other people forget too, my teachers talk to me like I’m older than I am, my mom has acted like I’m a little adult since I was eleven. Even Q… he looks up to me, like I don’t make mistakes. And I thought I _didn’t_ make mistakes… I was wrong about that, wrong about who I am. I hate that.”

“I think that being confronted with the fact that you aren’t immortal and infallible can be very hard for anyone, and to be confronted with that fact in the brutal way you were must have been shattering,” Sunderland said. “So how do you deal with that?”

“I… I don’t know,” Julia said honestly. “I don’t know if I _have_ dealt with that.”

“Maybe now is a good time to start.”

Julia’s head was a whirlpool of thoughts for the remainder of the group session. She didn’t move from her spot when Sunderland dismissed them. Kady didn’t move, either, and the two girls ended up the only ones in the room after Fen and Alice cleared out with a wave. 

“Julia?” 

Julia stared at the floor. How to look at Kady now? What would Kady’s face say to her that her voice would hide? Julia could read Kady, could understand what Kady was saying with her body and face now more than she ever said with her words. If she looked at Kady, Julia would be able to see the truth of Kady’s thoughts and she would never be able to unsee them. If Kady looked at her with disappointment or disgust it would be all Julia would ever see.

“Hey, you need anything?”

“I don’t know.” 

“…look at me?” 

Kady had noticed, of course she’d noticed. Julia didn’t want to look at her, but she didn’t want to refuse such a simple request. Slowly she turned. 

Kady’s lips were parted in a soft smile, her eyes shiny and bright. “Do you know how fucking brave you are?”

 “…brave?” Julia squeaked hoarsely.

“Holy shit, Jules. That must have been so hard, and you did it anyway.”

 

“Brave…” Julia repeated.

“You’ve been holding all that in, I can’t imagine how painful that must have been for you. And to say it to all of us, I mean Jesus, I could never-”

Julia wanted to be _brave._  

Julia swung her legs off Kady’s lap so she could lean in and kiss her. 

Kady let out a muffled protest and Julia pulled away immediately, guilt and shame washing over her as she realized that she had just taken that kiss without permission, how could she do that after what she’d been through? She was about to apologize when Kady’s lips crashed back into hers. Kady was a lot less tentative and, Julia suspected, much more used to rough and raunchy makeout sessions than cuddly kissage. Kady started to pull back on the aggression but still pulled Julia towards her, her arm around Julia’s waist and one of her hands in Julia’s hair.

Julia’s libido woke up with a firework explosion of feeling in her abdomen and she pushed Kady back into the sofa, climbing to straddle Kady’s lap as she deepened the kiss. Julia’s hands roamed under Kady’s shirt to feel the tight warm muscles of Kady’s stomach and sides and she started to reach up to try to tug Kady’s sweatshirt off.

“Whoa, easy there,” Kady husked, laughing. “We’re still in the group therapy room.”

“Are we?” Julia said. “I’d forgotten.”

“Slow down a sec, Jules.”

Julia whined as she pulled away. “You kissed me back.”

“I did, I did,” Kady rushed to assure her. “But Julia, this is hella fast, not to mention very public.”

“I’m ready,” Julia said firmly. “I’m ready to have my body belong to _me_ again.”

“That’s… that’s good, Julia. But um, I’m not sure _here_ and _this second_ are the space and time to reclaim all that.”

The heat in Julia’s body strongly disagreed. She stood up abruptly and paced the room. Julia gave herself a few seconds before she sighed, “You’re right. I know you are. It just happened so suddenly… I haven’t felt _anything_ like that in months and months. I wanted it. I wanted it _so_ badly.”

“I could tell,” Kady teased and Julia covered her face with her hands and jogged in place with a small whine. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Like you said. I kissed back.” 

Julia peeked out from behind her hands. “…so… do you want to do that again?” _Do you like me? Please say you like me._

Kady stood up. She closed the distance until Julia could feel the flutter of air as Kady breathed out on her cheeks. “Let’s find a better time and place.”

Julia beamed.

As they exited the room Alice pretended to be looking at a book as Fen stood just outside the doorway, nearly vibrating out of her skin in excitement. “Did it happen? Did you kiss?!”


	12. Chapter 11

“So you’re a thing now.”

“Not a _thing_. I don’t know. We’re just… hanging out.”

“Hanging out with your lips.”

“Oh _shut up_!” 

Julia elbowed Quentin as well as she could from where she was laying next to him in the grass. Quentin laughed as he rolled away to dodge before settling back down. “So defensive!” 

“It’s only been a couple of days, and it’s not like we can do much around here. We’ve kissed twice. When you’re surrounded by adults watching your every move it’s hard to get to smooching.”

“Yeah but you _want_ to.”

“God do I fucking want to.” Julia put her arm across her forehead and sighed deeply just to hear the peel of laughter from Quentin as she did. It felt so normal and so freeing to be able to talk to Quentin about something so mundane as a crush. It felt _wonderful_. 

“Who else knows?”

“Besides Fen and Alice? Nobody officially. But some of the girls know just by the way we’ve been the last few days.” Julia sat up on her elbows and Quentin followed.

“Vic knows, I’m almost one hundred percent sure,” Julia said as she nodded her chin towards Victoria as the other girl chatted with her boyfriend and an older woman, a piece of cake in her hand. They were by a banner that said “Congratulations Victoria!” in bright block letters. “She hasn’t said anything. I don’t think she wants to rock the boat since she’s out of here.”

Julia’s eyes travelled to where Poppy and Margo were arguing by the snack table and she frowned. “Margo knows. And Marina, she all but said so this morning at breakfast.”

“Are you worried about them knowing?” Quentin asked. He knew how she felt about Margo and Marina.

Julia shrugged. “Not really. I think they’ll leave it alone. It doesn’t benefit either of them to say anything and they respect the unofficial code.” 

“At least you don’t have to stress about that.”

Julia nodded as she watched Kady wander over to the snack table and say something that made Poppy laugh and Margo glare. Kady had been giving Julia and Quentin space to catch up and had been socializing more than usual at Victoria’s going away party. Kady liked Victoria so it wasn’t too surprising she’d put in the effort. Hell, _everybody_ liked Victoria, and they were all sad to see her go even if it only meant good things for her. She was the girl who had made the most progress and because of that she gave the best advice and sympathy. Because of that, too, she was leaving to go on to bigger and better. 

Victoria was inspiring and she was getting out. It made Julia feel like she could make it, too. There were steps she still had to take. She’d been too scared to try, but seeing Victoria so happy and renewed, seeing life unfold before Victoria in a winding, diamond road, made Julia want to try. 

“Q, I need to tell you something.” 

“Yeah?”

Julia turned to face him. His open expectant face made Julia’s heart clench. “No, not just something. Everything.”

Quentin immediately knew what she meant and he sat up, face paling but determined. “Okay." 

“I know I can tell you, Q, but I also know that this will be hard. So if you need me to stop-”

“I’m here to listen. I’m always here to listen. You know that.”

“I do. I also know you will feel _everything_ I have to say with all your heart. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Quentin reached out a hand and placed it over her own. “This is the first time you’re telling someone?” 

“Mhmm.” 

“Then we can do this together.”

Such a naïve statement. So Quentin. Julia turned her hand upward to lace her fingers through his and squeezed. She wanted to believe it. “Okay.” 

Julia let Quentin’s hand anchor her as she started, “I met Reynard online on a college application feedback board. I was trying to get input for our applications. He posed as a college student. Charmed me, tricked me. He knew exactly what to say. I told you about the board but I didn’t tell you about him because by the time it got to actual flirting I was infatuated and I was still dating Bobby, so I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t. But it felt so good, my sordid secret. Perfect Julia being not so perfect.”

Quentin couldn’t keep his emotions off his face. It was a trait that Julia loved about him, but it meant that Julia could read every thought that crossed Quentin’s mind. Every microexpression hurt. Still she pressed on because the undercurrent of every emotion remained love.

“I agreed to meet up with him for coffee. Last minute he changed it to meeting at a park. He said it would be an easier in between space for him, that the weather was cold and beautiful and perfect for cocoa in a thermos, cuddling on a park bench…” Julia trailed off as she tasted acid at the back of her throat. She squeezed Quentin’s hand until it hurt her and undoubtedly was hurting him. “I knew it seemed weird… I even came close to telling you. That day… we had some stupid Physics test and you were reading your notes, your nose all scrunched up in concentration and tapping your pen against the table so rapidly it was driving me nuts. I reached out and grabbed your pen, and you looked up at me with that embarrassed look you get when you know you shouldn’t be so nervous, and I almost told you. But I didn’t. After school I gave you a hug and said see you tomorrow… and I went to Verona Park and sat on a bench… and that was it.”

“Reynard knocked me out from behind. I don’t know how he snuck up on me. I woke up in his trunk. I kicked and screamed and beat at the trunk lock with everything I had. He pulled over the car and I planned how to get past him and run. But he had a knife, and he said if I didn’t shut up he’d kill me. He said… he’d kill me and kill _you_. He rattled off my address, your address. He knew so much. I had never seen his _face_ before he opened that trunk, but he knew mine and knew yours. He would have killed you, Q.” 

“Julia-” 

“It’s not your fault,” Julia said quickly. “Never think that, Quentin. It’s not your fault that he threatened you and it knocked the wind out of me. It’s not _your fault_ that you matter so much to me.”

Quentin looked down at their hands, tears in his eyes. Julia let go of his hand so that Quentin could wrap his arms around her like she knew he wanted. She rested her head on his chest and listened to his heart beat frantically in his chest. She put her hand over his heart and pressed lightly as if she could stop his panic.

“Want me to stop?” 

There was a pause that told Julia that there was a large part of him that did. Still, he said, “No. Keep going.”

“He put tape over my mouth and taped my wrists and ankles together. Before closing the trunk smiled at me and he said “Stupid girl. You can’t unring a bell.”. It sounds awful, but I don’t think I’d ever been called stupid before in my life and that stuck with me. Through everything else, that dumb thing he said stuck with me.” She chuckled, though it wasn’t funny and Quentin looked like he was about to start sobbing. She took a breath and continued, “The drive wasn’t terribly long after that.”

“Everything was ready. A cot in his basement, chains, a bucket. He put the chains on my ankle first thing, before taking off any of the tape.” Julia rubbed her right ankle. It still was scarred from the friction of the metal and it might never be a scar that healed. “He took off the tape around my ankles but… he left the tape on my wrists and mouth the first time he-”

Quentin’s grip tightened on her but she welcomed the pressure. She closed her eyes and breathed him in. “Anyway. You don’t need to know details. You know what he did. Every day, usually more than once. He told me to call him a god. I never did, Quentin.” Suddenly that seemed the most important thing and Julia pulled back to look in Quentin’s eyes. “I _never_ did,” she repeated insistently, near desperate. 

“I believe you,” Quentin said and the tension that had constricted her left her body. She could tell that he believed her. For some reason that mattered.

“I didn’t survive because I was smarter than anyone, or because I was brave and had faith. It wasn’t anything so noble in the end. Especially those last few weeks. It was anger, it was hatred and spite. I wanted to live to show him I could. I wanted to live to be the person who lived _through_ him. _Despite_ him.”

“A lot of my later days… that was all the fuel I had. A dance of him and me, this twisted, hateful dance. I hate that. I despise that I didn’t survive thinking of you, or thinking of myself and how I would make it out alive and change the world. It wasn’t any of that, and I wish it was. I was just scared and angry and barely alive, barely _me_. That might be the worst part. I wish I could have been the girl people think I was…”

“You were in an impossible situation and you survived. You’re here now, and you’re you now. You’re _exactly_ the girl people think you were." 

Julia sighed heavily and nestled into Quentin’s side. Quentin must have seen that Julia wasn’t convinced because he continued, “Look, what was the first thing you did after being free of R-Reynard.”

Julia tilted her head and a tight smile quirked her lips. She hadn’t realized until just then that Quentin had never before said Reynard’s name. “I killed him?”

“No, no, after you were free, really free? After he was dead.”

Julia played with the fabric of Quentin’s shirt, thinking. “I went to your house?”

“You came and _found me_. You found me because you knew that that’s what Julia Wicker would do. Maybe you had to turn yourself off, not be you, but as soon as you could you turned yourself back on. You fought so hard to be you. What you did while you were with him doesn’t define you, it’s how you’ve fought since.”

Julia had not noticed that she was crying until she rubbed her cheek against Quentin’s shirt and accidentally wiped snot across her cheek and the bridge of her nose. When she did realize it flipped a switch in her mind and the floodgates opened. Julia sobbed into Quentin’s shirt, the pain and sadness of months pouring out of her.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she bawled against Quentin.

“Julia, it’s okay, I promise,” Quentin said. Julia continued to apologize and Quentin rocked her gently until she quieted.

It was only later that Julia realized she hadn’t been apologizing to Quentin.


	13. Chapter 12

Saying goodbye to both Quentin and Victoria was hard, but the catharsis of letting go of everything she’d held in had Julia feeling lightheaded and slightly giddy. Victoria gave Julia her contact information so that they could keep in touch before leaving with the geeky looking guy Julia had seen her with at the party. Julia had thought Victoria might do something like that. She’d still been thrilled to get her information. She would have been sad if Victoria had cut all ties with Brakebills and her friends there and moved on with her life, but she would have completely _understood_ it.

Julia went straight back to her room after everyone had left and had changed into her pajamas and flopped into bed. She didn’t have a habit of lounging around in her pajamas, she was too type A to laze about, but her good cry and the goodbyes to dear friends had drained her more than abject sadness or anger ever had. It was a good kind of drained, though, one that Julia wasn’t sure she’d ever experienced before. Her bones were rubber and she could feel her heartbeat down to her toes in a steady, sleepy pulse. Julia didn’t close her eyes all the way, she wasn’t relaxed enough for that, but she closed them just enough that any movements from the hall were soft and shadowy.

“Seemed like your talk with Q was pretty intense.”

Julia wasn’t startled by Kady’s sudden presence: she’d seen a Kady-shaped figure enter the doorframe. She smiled. “Very.”

“And you’re all in one piece.”

“Think so.”

“That’s good to hear, I like you best in one piece,” Kady said. Julia peeked one eye open to get a better view of Kady who was leaning over her, black curls cascading around her shoulders and blue eyes shimmering with laughter. 

Julia’s body wanted to move to give Kady a hug but her limbs were still wobbly and she didn’t move before Kady had collapsed on her own bed. Julia made a small whining sigh of protest that wasn’t loud enough for Kady to hear.

Julia rolled so that she was turned to face Kady. She wished, suddenly, that Kady was on her bed, that she was nestled against Kady’s chest and shoulder and free to be floppy in the safety of Kady’s embrace. It occurred to Julia that she didn’t know if Kady would be down for that. “I’m a cuddler,” Julia mumbled.

“What?”

“I was, anyway,” Julia continued, her sleepy voice rolling across the room. “I was super cuddly. I was always all over Quentin, and hugging my friends and my girlfriends and boyfriends. I haven’t checked if I’m still like that, except with Quentin. I hope I am, so I’m going to assume I still am. Are you okay with that?”

Kady’s bemused smile faded at that question. “What’s this all of a sudden?”

“I want to know you.”

“You know me better than anyone.”

Julia’s heart expanded to fill her chest. “I’m honored. I want to know more.”

“What more do you want to know?” Kady’s laugh was tight this time, anxious. 

Julia didn’t want to make Kady feel uncomfortable, never, so she started, “I like fantasy stories. Fillory and Further is my favorite, but I like Harry Potter and Tamora Pierce books and Discworld. I like dogs. I have a lot of friends but I’ve never been as close to anyone as I am Q, and I think it’s because I’m a little afraid of giving too much of myself away. I want to live in New York City and the fact that you live there fills me with no _small_ amount of envy, though I’ll tell anyone who asks I’m proud of being from Jersey. I love carousels and carnivals and I’ve broken a tooth on a caramel apple. I already have tattoos in my mind that I’ll get when I’m eighteen.” Julia held out her left hand. “A one on my finger, right here.”

Kady’s entire demeanor had softened as Julia took the wheel in the conversation and she was watching Julia with rapt attention. When Julia held out her hand she slid off her bed onto the floor and scooted forward, taking Julia’s hand in hers. “Right here, huh?” she said as she rubbed Julia’s middle finger gently with a thumb. 

Julia nodded. “Right there. A moon.”

Kady sat there, silent, her thumb still moving and the tickling sensation becoming slightly less comfortable with every passage of Kady’s thumb. Before Julia could pull her hand away Kady stopped and kissed Julia’s fingers. Julia could feel her entire body heat up in a blush. 

“I like dogs,” Kady said. She still held onto Julia’s hand as she spoke. “I had one, a pit named Valentine. She was awesome, but I had to give her away when we were short on money. I want another dog. A big dog, though, maybe another pit. I like dancing, all kinds of dancing, and I like to sing. I know how to play the piano but I’m way out of practice. I love music whatever way I can have it. I used to crash concerts almost every night and stay ‘til after midnight. I never really had good friends, not since early grade school before kids started asking to come over to my house. I never wanted to invite anybody over so instead of avoiding the topic I just made sure I had acquaintances who wouldn’t ask. I used to hate my hair because I didn’t know how to control it. Now I love it, but I still can’t really control it.” Kady paused and looked at Julia, her eyes a question. Should she go on? How much more?

“I’ll go again,” Julia said to ease the anxiety Kady was clearly feeling. Kady nodded.

They talked well into the night, only pausing at lights out so Kady could get into her bed and whisper from there. Julia fell asleep to the sound of Kady singing her one of her favorite songs.

.

“Margo.”

Margo visibly reacted to Julia’s voice, though she tried to hide it as all her muscles tightened and she shifted balance to the balls of her feet, preparing to move. “Yes?”

Julia caught up to Margo and did her best approximation of a smile. Margo’s expression didn’t change so either it was unsuccessful or Margo wouldn’t have cared even if it _had_ been genuine. Julia let the smile fall off her face. “I don’t think I ever apologized. You know, honestly."

Margo stood there, one eyebrow raised. Silence dragged on and she drawled, “Well? Was that it?”

“Oh. Um. No, I guess not. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I could have really hurt you.”

“Yeah, ya could have.”

“Then you tried to help when you had no reason to.”

“Also true.”

“Quentin said I should try talking to you… and if you don’t mind, I’d like to try that.”

“About… what?” Margo’s instinct to run had worn off and she was holding her body far more naturally but the look on her face was unimpressed.

“Really I just want to know your actual story. I think it might help. Maybe.”

“It’s not really any of your fucking business, Julia, and it shouldn’t bother you either way.”

“But it does,” Julia snapped, then she took a deep breath, her palms facing the floor as she moved her hands up and down with her breathing. “Sorry. It does, Margo, because it freaks me out that anyone would _lie_ and say they’ve been through what people like me and Marina have.”

“I’m not trying to co-opt your tragedy, okay?” Margo crossed her arms across her chest. “I didn’t even feel guilty about it until YOU started harping on. I still don’t,” Margo quickly corrected. “I did what I had to do to get what I needed and not get jail time.”

“So why did you need all that money?” 

Margo glared. She started to turn and walk away and Julia deflated. So much for that. Then Margo stopped. Julia waited. 

“…Funnily enough, you might actually be the one person who would understand.”

No statement could have shocked Julia more.

“My best friend lives in Indiana. Probably not what you’d expect, but we met at some genius kid Decathalon when we were in sixth grade. We spent the whole event fucking around in the hotel it was being hosted in, stealing drinks from the mini bar and hanging out at the pool. Completely bombed our competition. But we kept in touch.”

Margo side-eyed Julia. “Understand me when I say no one in the world means more to me than Eliot. I would do anything for him. I imagine it’s the same for you and Quentin.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Eliot wasn’t doing so hot. He… couldn’t survive much longer, where he was. We promised each other we’d move to New York City together. We _promised_. But he started saying crap about “when I’m gone” and “I wish I’d live to see that”… it scared the _shit_ out of me.”

Julia’s thoughts flashed to freshman year of high school and Quentin crying in her arms after he’d shown her cuts on his thighs. Margo was more right about Julia understanding than she knew.

“I had to get him out of there. But I didn’t have enough money to get even myself a shitty apartment in NYC let alone food, clothes, an apartment for two. Maybe it wasn’t the only solution, or even the smartest one, but one day my family was watching a special about Bonnie and Clyde and my brain went “Why not?”. So I fucking did. Now I have enough money to set me and Eliot up for years in a goddamn penthouse apartment, eating the best food and wearing the most expensive clothing that fits us. And I don’t feel guilty about that and never will.” Margo finished with a finger jab towards Julia’s chest, challenging her to argue.

There was nothing Julia wouldn’t do for Quentin. She supposed that was confirmed for her when Reynard had held a knife to her throat and it had been the threat against Quentin that had scared her to death.

Margo had lied. It had been a lie that had hurt Julia, but she had done it so that she would get out of trouble and succeed in saving her best friend. Even if Julia didn’t approve of the lie she couldn’t blame Margo for doing what she had to for her Eliot.

“… so you pulled off a bank heist all on your own?”

Margo’s eyes widened. Slowly, she grinned. “Well, I had some help. Some boys will do anything for a pretty girl.”

Julia snorted. “Why am I not surprised?”

“We work with what we’ve got,” Margo said with a flip of her hair and a wink.


	14. Chapter 13

When life is good time can go by in a flash.

 

And boy, life was good.

 

Julia was talking in group. Really talking, about things she had told Quentin, things she didn’t even know she’d thought or felt, about her future. She was healing, and her bad days were fewer and more spaced out. When they did hit, she was able to work through them with the support of those around her, taking less time to recover.

She didn’t even realize how time was passing until people started to leave.

The first was a surprise. Fen announced one day that her parents were proud of the progress she’d made and that they wanted her to come home to finish in outpatient. Fen wasn’t entirely sure if she was ready to leave but wanted to give life outside the safety of Brakebills a shot again, and all of her friends supported her completely. The girls had given her the best send-off they could manage and there had been tears on both sides as she’d left.

Margo was next. She was done with her court mandated stay and nothing and no one was keeping her from New York and a best friend that had already decorated their penthouse and found his way into the New York party scene. Alice had been particularly torn up by her roommates departure though she’d tried her best to hide it with a mask of stiffness and cynicism. When Margo had written her first letters, Alice had carried hers around in her pocket for a full week.

Margo had written Julia, too. Julia hadn’t known what to expect from it and had been amazed when the letter had amounted to an open invitation for her to visit Margo and El at their place. “Bring Quentin, I think Eliot would just _love_ him,” Margo had ended her letter, followed by her signature and a little stylized stamp that looked like a golden crown. They weren’t friends, not exactly, but something complicated and, apparently, lasting.

Marina left with little fanfare, and she’d wanted it that way. She explained as much on the day that she left after having given none of them warning of her departure. “It’s not like we were ever friends, anyway. Like I’d want to be friends with you losers.” Still, Marina had given Julia a smile and said, “Don’t go killing anymore people and you’ll be golden out there,” before winking and disappearing out the door. A part of Julia would miss Marina. It was a small part. 

Kady got a letter from Judge Mayakofsky telling her he was proud of her progress and congratulating her for her upcoming graduation of the program. It was the first Kady had heard of it and she showed Julia the letter with a look of pure terror on her face. She was getting out.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Kady confided to Julia, fingers trembling as she took the letter back.

Julia had felt like the world had dropped out from under her, but she’d said, “I know you can.” She hadn’t said, “I know how you feel,” even though she wasn’t sure she could do this without Kady, either.

Kady didn’t have a home or a family to go back to, but Judge Mayakofsky and her social worker had arranged for Kady to move into a supportive housing unit in New York City. She’d have a roommate and a curfew and be expected to keep up her grades. “It sounds like hell,” Kady had said, grinning ear to ear. 

They’d kissed at Kady’s going away party in front of everyone. Those that were left of their original crew had whooped and hollered. Sunderland had rolled her eyes and cleared her throat before saying, “None of that at your visits, thanks.”

Kady wrote when she could, but what really mattered to Julia was that she visited every chance she got. She and Quentin organized a carpool to visit Julia and Kady was only unable to make it two or three times due to social worker check ins. Julia had been afraid that whatever chemistry they had had would fade once Kady left, but it showed no signs of waning and in fact only seemed to get stronger with time. Some days Julia missed Kady so much she could hardly stand it. She was glad that Poppy had been moved into her room as a roommate, because even if she disliked Poppy at least it wasn’t a new girl she couldn’t trust.

Julia and Alice worked together to get Alice out of Brakebills. What it came down to was Alice practicing ignoring, disengaging, and placating her parents until she could move out and live on her own. Julia empathized with how much it sucked for Alice to hide who she was just to exist outside of Brakebills but luckily she had some practice in similar home circumstances. Alice was able to convince her parents that she was done obsessing about Charlie’s death and they welcomed her home. Julia promised Alice that once she was out, she’d help Alice chase down some leads. Alice had awkwardly and sincerely thanked her. It felt like the least Julia could do.

New faces came and went in Brakebills but for Julia there was no connection like the one she’d had with the girls who had been there when she arrived. As they bled off, Julia spent more time to herself, taking online courses and working on coping techniques and how to manage her PTSD symptoms. Some days she would spend time with Fray, who sadly seemed no closer to leaving but who was part of Julia’s Brakebills “family”. She worked with Fray on practicing anger management and accepting reality. Sometimes Poppy would join them but more often she was off on her own or with the newer girls trying to impress them.

Julia’s discharge date both snuck up on her and was a long time coming. Her nightmares had dwindled down to two or three times a week rather than a nightly affair, she was using breathing techniques and knew when she could fight through her symptoms and when she needed to take some time to pull herself together. She was flourishing, even Sunderland said so, and when she graduated there wasn’t any doubt that she was ready. 

Denise and Mackenzie Wicker came to pick Julia up, but it was into Quentin and Kady’s arms she ran, hugging them both so hard that Quentin almost toppled and Kady had to stop them all from falling over. “I get to go with you guys this time!”

“I call dibs on Julia time first!” Quentin said quickly. Kady elbowed him and Quentin grinned.

“Don’t be a dick. I live all the way in the City, you’ll get her all the time,” Kady said.

Quentin pouted but stopped when Julia gave him a second hug. “Relax, there’s enough of me to go around.”

Fray wandered over and Kady ruffled her hair for a second before Fray pushed her away and snapped her teeth. Fray gave Julia a serious look. “So? There are _more_ foxes out there, you know.”

Quentin gave Julia a questioning look. Julia gave his shoulder a squeeze before she pulled away to offer Fray a hug. Fray’s suspicious gaze flickered to Kady and Quentin before she gave Julia the briefest of hugs. “Yeah, there are,” Julia agreed once Fray had pulled away and put her hands on her hips. “I think I’ve figured it out. The world is a scary place. But it’s also got kings and queens, warriors, and so much magic in it. I’m not going to hide. I’m going to go out there and I’m going to be amazing. I hope you’ll join us one day.” 

Real fear had crept into Fray’s eyes and she shifted on her feet, looking all the world like the little girl that she was. “And it’s worth it?”

Julia leaned against Quentin and took Kady’s hand, pulling her girlfriend close. “It’s worth it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for joining me on this wild ride! I'd like to thank my partner for the Trials Challenge highkingfen for making gorgeous art to go with this fic! Check it out on Tumblr on rahnesinclair.tumblr.com/tagged/Trials-2018!


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